Oh Hello

I really desire to use the word "smello" in place of "hello" from now on, but I think people would see it as a tired joke after the first week. Even though that's not what it is. It is no joke.

I bet you're wondering where I've been. Well, let me tell you.

My week-to-week life has been eventful and interesting but my day-to-day life has not. Day-to-day I get up too late and put off my dishes and go to work.
BUT
On most weekends there is DnD (DnWhat?), which is great. I love it one hundred. I wish I could do it way more often. I love to be a DM and create adventures and encounters for the group to run into. I have several ideas for adventures and campaigns but my friends also have adventures and campaigns that they have been planning for a while so we will do them first. Our world is exploding with adventure ideas. I kind of wish it was like the old days, when it was not every week so you could make up a game to play in between. But I don't actually wish that because now I want DnD as much as possible. One might say "but Hadley, surely there are one billion DnD fans in your city alone, why not seek them out?" And to them I say, "I played with some new people once and they played very differently and boringly compared to my DnD circle. I think that we play in a rather unique, character-driven style that is not enjoyed by all.

On the weekend of September 26, Berkley and I went to a Live Action RolePlaying (LARP) event set in the universe of the Firefly t.v. show (may it rest in peace). It was an absolute hoot. The Saskatoon LARP Assoc. (SLARPA) rented an area in Fort Edmonton Park in Edmonton, which is like Boomtown in Saskatoon but way bigger and outdoors. I was a thug who had a brother named Doug and we wanted to make some easy money. We had adventures and it was great. For a week after I thought longingly about it, and it made me think I should join a club or take a class or something. Join a community full of people that share an interest with me. That is certainly something I should do.

I wish I had a degree or two so that I would have more job options. I do not like my job very much, but I like the money. I am also not very good at my job and I am still on probation, so I might get fired. No joke.

Steph had a party yesterday, it started early and ended early. I wish it went on for longer because I had energy to continue. Once I told a funny story and everybody laughed, which is a fleeting moment for some but unique and significant for me. I delivered it well, I sold it. I was nervous to say it too. I think telling funny stories is imortant because it makes you a fun person to be around. Nicole is a very fun person to be around, she laughs a lot and has positive energy and confidence. I make an effort to laugh a lot, it is not hard or insincere. All I have to do for it is laugh if I think something is funny, and then try to make the laugh last long. Easy and sincere.

My momma showed me this great video, it is great. I've decided that I don't despise the song, even though it is a Black Eyed Peas song that is played on C95 and Wired96.3. In fact I rather like the song, even if it is a bit simple.

This is not their official music video, that I am pretty sure I would not like.

be careful of the robots

don't forget to pack a robombrella.

Hey. I wrote up a blog post on my laptop about Kaiya coming over, but I realized I haven't a way to put it on the internet.

So. My friend Kaiya from Regina came over for a visit last week and it was awesome. Post on that coming soon maybe. I'll have to get a flash drive or a compact disc. Or an internet connection.

Correction: Last post I said I was reading Box Office Trash, but I was actually reading Box Office Poison. I finished it yesterday, and it was very good. I really don't know what to say about it other than that. Very good. Experimental. Artistic yet down-to-earth.

It's at the Saskatoon library (well when I return it it will be), and if you like comics you should read it, O.K.? And if you don't like comics well have you ever tried reading one? Huh?

Wikipedia
Amazon

Past Thoughts and Blog Reflections

It is 5 in the morning and I've yet to get to sleep. My mind is very excited. You see, I was reading Box Office Poison, and it is very good. However, there is one part of the graphic novel in which one of the supporting roles loses her temper and rants angrily at the other tenants in her apartment building. It was here that I decided to leave off.

Unfortunately, this left my head spinning with stressful thoughts. It reminded me of some things that happened at my last place. I thought about people losing control, and how I don't understand it. I thought about the one time I lost control, for approximately one third of a second, one year and twenty days ago. I thought about the drama and abuse leading up to that. I thought of the words "abusive relationship" over and over again, revelled in them. Don't they sound important? Dramatic?

[useless ranty paragraph vaulted.]

I am very past-focused, and I don't know why this is. What I do know is that it makes me very reflective, while at the same time burdening me with stressful issues long resolved. I think my tendency to think about the past may be filling the void of my thoughts about the future. I really haven't been thinking about the future very much. I should start making plans about getting Math A30 again.

Another thing that bothers me unreasonably is other people. It bugs me when other people are stupid or immoral. Sometimes it frustrates me, even if it doesn't affect me.

---

I've been wondering about this blog recently. What is its purpose? What point am I trying to make? I think good writing is structured to make a point, and that I write this blog only to satisfy something within myself. But apparently my grandma reads this, that's kind of cool.

I like this entry and the entry before it. They are easy to read, and describe in an organized manner what is on my mind. But really, is that good for you or for me?

My name is Hadley and this is where I'm at right now.

First, NEWS: The beautiful apartment is a done deal. I get it on August 1. The building is full of seniors and the property managers are professional and responsible. Ding.

I think about writing a lot at work, but I don't think about work when I'm writing. But I'll try just for you, blog.

My new shift is 3:30pm-Midnight. I drive a pallet jack up and down aisles and put boxes of things on my pallet, then I put my pallets where they get picked up. I wear a headset that is connected to a little computer and the little computer tells me what to do, and I tell it things like "yes, backup, echo 7, deliver." I think it communicates with a bigger computer even though it has no antenna. I like to use the intercom to call for forklifts, I sound professional and I like to hear my voice echo through the warehouse. This pays more than I could hope for with any other job right now. Without it there would be no chance of me getting this beautiful apartment. No chance.

Still I can't shake
the feeling that I
sold
out.

This is what I do for 160 hours a month, except December because of Christmas. I move boxes. I don't work for a charity, I don't protect children, I don't change the world. I don't do something I enjoy. I move boxes, because of the pay.

Everyone there complains about how boring it is, or about how much it sucks to have to stack pop(the aisle gets crowded), or about how the voice picking system "is a piece of shit." Even people who have been there for years -- they complain the most. It is like basic training in the army, a culture of jokes grows around the disdain of being there.

But the pay is really nice. When I say it like that it seems really black and white, like I am doing The Wrong Thing. But then I think of the new apartment, the things I can buy, and the lifestyle I can live, and it doesn't feel that way.

But it still bothers me.

I thought of something a few times today that made me want to cry. It was a song or a dream or a memory of something.

I had a dream that my dead grandmother wasn't dead and she was telling me that she knew I didn't take her seriously, and how that was very ungrateful and disrespectful of me. I wanted to hug her and kiss her and give her all the love I could, but something was wrong and I couldn't get near her, even though she was right in front of me.

That was it. That was the thing.

Old Feelings

Dear Diary
Today I felt a feeling that I haven't felt for a whole year. I looked at a pretty person and my tummy felt warm and excited and my heart-rate increased. I imagined a future where her and I would hang out in my beautiful apartment and have tea and cuddle and interlock fingers. But facebook said she had a boyfriend and I don't know her very well at all anyways. And the beautiful apartment isn't a done deal yet.

That's weird and I don't understand it. To be romantically attracted to someone that I'm not even pals with yet. It must be mostly physical then, and that means I'm a dummy for feeling that way. Wait, but I'm not a dummy. Something is not matching up here. Anyway, I seem to have romance on my mind, because I wrote notes about love a few nights ago, you can read them here if you want.

Frustrated sigh.

FRUSTRATED SIGH NUMBER TWO.

I am in an angry mood. I keep thinking about the house I just moved out of, it was so terrible and dumb. The last night I was there the landlord came over in a rage (yes, a rage) and yelled at another tenant at 1:30 in the morning. I was already moving out at that point, but if that had happened any time before I would have moved out immediately, regardless of the circumstances. If only I knew before how stupid he was.

It makes me angry that people are stupid. It's stupid of me to get angry, but here I am. I suppose I'm also angry because I feel transgressed upon and disrespected. But I think I'm mostly angry because of how stupid some people are. That landlord didn't know the law, he bought a house to rent out before he knew the law.

Also, my fucking roommate stole my honey. And my ribs.

I'm actually quite angry even though I don't want to be angry but here I am.

I'm living in The Condo* until I find a new place. I have my old room still, but I moved everything out of there because I'd been woken up too much in the past week by idiots. I guess I should be relieved to be safe and at peace, but I am a very past-focused person. I reflect an enormous amount on my life, usually in a rational and productive manner, but emotions of the past do stick with me quite adhesively.

I get angry but I manage it thoroughly and completely. I don't understand people who have anger management problems. I don't respect the notion at all, how can people lose control like that? How can people be so irrational? I generally equate anger management problems with being very stupid, but I fear I may be missing some information. Do any readers have knowledge of that subject?

*The Condo: n. Luxury condo that my parents bought but have not yet moved into. I lived in it before, then moved to a shitty house for three months, then moved back last night.

Post 100

This is my hundredth post.

I had a dream that it was the third world war, and that I had a sweet beard.