furgle fragg

Hm. I wonder if the latter weeks of summer camp are more frustrating - more of a drag - because it is running the same programs every week. I think that is a big part of it. I've noticed the other leaders abbreviating the explanation of games, because they seem more clear to us who have run them dozens of times.

I'm also getting a little sick of one co-worker, and I believe she's getting sick of me. We're both good people though (she's just negative as shit and I'm not). Wouldn't it be nice if instead of making friends out of coworkers, you made coworkers out of friends? Oh, maybe not.

Anyway. It was my turn at the city camp two weeks ago and I hated it a lot. The next week I was back with the 9-12 year olds at Pike Lake, and well jeeze, they were all right, but I wasn't really feeling it - they would never shut up, for one. This week it is the 6-8 year old camp and I am feeling as if I only like 9-12 year olds now. Six to eight year olds are dumb! And weird!

I am really looking forward to my New York trip. I am thinking the words "two weeks until New York" a lot. Children are not my calling in life. Sometimes I don't even know if I like them. Ferron insists that I like them; she calls me "Dadley" to tease me. Maybe I do like them a little bit, but I am not crazy about them. I don't think I would feel a sense of loss if I stopped working with kids; I would only that my next job was more boring, which is what happened when I worked at the warehouse.

Oh, god... have you ever read Box Office Poison? One lead character, Sherman, he works at this bookstore and he hates it. He wants to become a writer, but he never practices. In the epilogue, Sherman stays in the bookstore, eventually becoming supervisor and then manager.

No one wants to read a biography about someone who has no initiative. Except some people liked the graphic autobiography Lucky... except I hated it, because it was about this loser girl with no initiative who just lulled around with nude modeling for art classes (which she hated and made her cry) and shitty temp jobs. I like Maus because it is about this man who had nothing but made something with whatver he could find. It takes drive to do that, and pride.

WHY

WHY DO I HAVE SUCH WEAK INITIATIVE? Is it a deep developmental thing? I'm just fucking LAZY. I just wish I knew the answer to the question, "what's your problem" (if someone were to ask it). I want to read more, but I don't. I should practice guitar. Clean my room. Do my chores at the time I've agreed to do them without being reminded. I know I know I KNOW it's my fault, OK, I just don't understand why I have this problem.

maybe it's high school that did it. But what does that make me, if i blame who i am on my development? It makes me a shithead victim, frozen in time, forever blaming others, while those others move on and forget. I don't understand laziness, and laziness is the root of my problems.