I crashed from coffee at 1am and this is what came out

Well, I sure hope I'm not picked to do my drama assignment tomorrow!

There's a layer of self-loathing in my cake of emotions. I am an overstimulated person. I lack the focus necessary to be a good student. Where does this change? What will my process of growing beyond these bad habits look like, if it will even exist?

A part of me misses stacking boxes for 40 hours a week. That was a good social year... I believe that was when I met Alison and Cat. I really worked for the weekends. I lived alone and needed to do something social at least once a week. I went to the library to use the internet.

But it was worse than it sounds. There were positives and negatives. Even then, I used my time poorly. Working a shit job for 40 hours a week is one example, of course, but I also had a bath every morning, had rough long sleeps, and mostly watched DVDs in my spare time. Well actually I did read this one collection of history books at the library, that was good.

Things I want to be:
a heavy reader
an amazing student
a [actually we won't go there]
financially responsible
an ethical consumer
living on my own

Habits that impede me:
zoning out into the internet
chronic procrastination (a habit I have grown up with)
buying lunches; not budgeting at all
paying little attention to where my products are made

Old habits die hard. Will I procrastinate for my entire life? Will I ever be responsible? Will I continue to take advantage of the underpaid work of impoverished people?

We are born, we take what's in front of us, and we'll do it until we burn our planet out. The world population is exploding. I can't shake the feeling these days that I will live to see the downfall of our world.

I wish there were laws to prevent me from buying clothes made by mistreated workers. I wish, at least, that the institutions I support were guided by rules based on real ethics.

Humanity is an interesting species. Use your imagination and think of all the different ways things could have turned out. Hunter gatherers forever. Space explorers who want only to learn and better the earth. Our history, to date, is really something. Conquest is the name of the game. Greed. Empiricism.

I wish I could go to a mentor in the mountains, who would train me harshly to be awesome and responsible, and I would come out of the whole thing with a ph.d. After publishing my dissertation, I would write an inspiring autobiographical titled The Mountain and Me, and the "Mountain" would have a double meaning, because it would refer to both the mountain that I trained in as well as my mentor who was like a mountain to me

holy jesus time to stop