A Post About Me

(stay tuned for the part about me)

Oh, god. I started typing a new post about the government, this time listing off reasons I find the conservative party deplorable in their promotion of fear, their suffocation of media, bigotry, corruption, fucking et cetera. It wasn't therapeutic, just frustrating, so I stopped.

It makes me unhappy. I was born in 1990. I reached adulthood to see my country begin it's deterioration into corruption, fear, abuse of power by authority figures.
(here it comes)

My two problems:
1. I don't know what to do. How do I stop this powerful machine, backed by millions of ignorant people? How do I save my nation, and the world?
2. I don't know how to do. I don't have the tools. The majority of my pre-teen and teen years were spent despising my day-to-day life and hiding from it whenever I could. That is what I learned for seven years (not every minute of those years, but hopefully you understand what I mean).

I'd like to focus now on problem number 2.

I'm really having trouble with school. There, I said it. And I don't mean that I'm always saying "wow, so much work, I try so hard, but it just piles up." That's not it. The problem is that I don't know how to try. Now, that really sounds like something I cooked up in a sleep-deprived, grumpy mood. But I truly think I nailed it there. My procrastination problem has declined and gone beyond poor planning. Today, I went to school, did my volunteering that I signed up for, had lunch, and went home. I decided that I needed to do a lot of reading. I got home at 2:45. Seven hours later, I have done no reading. Yesterday was quite similar. I often have time between classes as well, which I do not use as intended. I waste so much time.

I am really uncertain about how connected my lack of motivation is with my feelings of hopelessness. It is hard to measure, because the majority of my time is in fact spent not being hopeless. I have negative thoughts about our society probably every day, but I don't dwell on it until I'm in a bad mood.

I am disturbed by multiple levels of my society - how people interact within a neighbourhood, what everyone is expected to do with their time, how our economic system enforces selfishness, how our government champions that selfishness, aaaand the environmental problem which is not being solved (certainly not here!). You could say that I am thoroughly disturbed by my society. I have a lot to observe, day to day, that I do not like. I have been doing a fair bit of lamenting, recently: why was I born in this time, with these leaders and these systems, when I despise much of it wholeheartedly?

BUT, the question is, do my hopeless feelings and observations go hand in hand with my lack of motivation, or not? Perhaps I occasionally funk myself into a depression, and latch onto something to feel bad about. I am actually confused. I have been unmotivated for many years, and I think I realized the problem fully when I was 18. Finding something to be upset about is nothing new - grade nine was a powerful example of that, feeling sad about girls.

It was helpful to write this blog and reflect on my situation. I might also mention that I began writing about high school, but got upset and deleted that section. I think high school might be a significant part of all this. I suppose I need to think over some things, but then what? I have been stuck in a bit of a rut, but for a long time. Breaking out might actually be a big deal. In the mean time, my solution is to tell myself "just move yourself - activate those legs, push yourself up, walk to your bag, pull out your textbook," much like giving commands to a robot.

anyway
goodnight