Name your blog

2012-02-01T12:20:00.001-06:00

Today's a fine day.

Do you want to know something interesting about humans? Humans can be on the brink of an emotional breakdown, but with all of their conflict internal. Some humans you can look at and have no idea. It happens often. It's called composure. I observed this of myself today and found it interesting.

I am a little stressed about school and such. But, I have decided that it is a fine day. I have developed the mental habit of thinking either the phrase "fuck today!" or "today is 'fuck' day!" It's time to can the fuck-jaw, stressberry. Fuck day is on its way out, and fine day is in vogue.

Time to drop dill and get to the sniffy-wiffy on this bad ball baby.

I never thought I would have a 15-year plan

2012-01-29T22:37:00.007-06:00

OK, guess what, it's blog time.

The list that follows is my secret 15-year plan. Now, I call it secret because I don't want to be held up to it. To be a professor has always been a "secret" plan. Don't expect me to see it through at all costs.

1. Get an honours degree.
2a. Get a library tech diploma through SIAST (surprise!)
2b. Do a job that pays real money, e.g., one in a library
3. Masters in history
4. Consider a masters in library science
5. Ph.D related to history
6. Sweet academic job

And here's a thought that occurred to me tonight, and brought me here to blog to you: If I'm having trouble staying on top of university right now, what difference does it make to pause my degree and go for the library program this fall? University is tough because it is more abstract and less structured, in a way. Everything is ideas, concepts floating around. Cat was telling me that, although an engineering degree is an insane amount of work, it's harder to fall behind because you have things due every week or so that you must do. In arts, things are due far in the future, and it's up to the student to structure themselves and manufacture weekly "assignments" to keep them on top of their long-term projects.

This is relevant because: a SIAST program would be much more structured and less abstract than my current university program. I imagine there would be more deadlines and such that cannot be shirked. I'll have to ask mom about it, because she did that program many years ago.

Because, if I get a library certificate, no matter what I will always have that certificate. Even if I get it and can't get a library job that goes well with school, I can still get one after my degree is done. Then I would work for a while and then go for the next degree. The hope would be that the structure helps me get in the right mindset to return to school, because my mindset right now is kind of all over the place. I don't see a downside with getting the lib tech done this fall instead of later.

Well, actually, downsides: Two years of library learning is a lot of time to forget history learning. Also, starting this Fall would not give me a chance to apply for small-time library jobs (such as a page), and thus be less aware of what it means to work in a library.

Bonus upside: Working towards a library diploma looks good on a library-related resume.

Well, I've spent long enough on this blog post, time to wrap it up.

--------------------------------------

Unfortunately for my want to "wrap it up," I watched Helen of Troy today, and noticed something in common with other old clips I've been watching on youtube - ancient battles in classic films. Watch merely 5 seconds of each link and see if you notice it. It's not the music, the costumes, or the dialogue. I'll be impressed if you can guess it! Leave a comment if you do!

Helen of Troy
The 300 Spartans (watch for a whole minute if you want to see their sweet anti-cavalry manoeuvre).
Spartacus

Did you notice? They all have this crazy idea that ancient formations would fight with one rank at a time! Whose idea was that? How could anyone imagine that they would spread their ranks out, instead of fighting in one tight block of troops? With no one behind you, if you get knocked back, you fall down. With some extra support, say, if a few of those thousand troops stood right behind you instead of far away, you're probably a lot less likely to die. Common sense, folks.

You're probably bored now, but I just thought it was remarkably strange that these three movies all shared this ridiculous notion. Perhaps it was written in an academic journal of the time. It's just absurd.

If a group 10 ranks deep charges at a group 1 rank deep, the single rank ends up on their butts. Anyone can figure that out.

The idea has been corrected in modern media: Clip1 Clip2

2012-01-24T23:40:00.001-06:00

I feel better; I relaxed!

A Post About Me

2012-01-24T22:02:00.005-06:00

(stay tuned for the part about me)

Oh, god. I started typing a new post about the government, this time listing off reasons I find the conservative party deplorable in their promotion of fear, their suffocation of media, bigotry, corruption, fucking et cetera. It wasn't therapeutic, just frustrating, so I stopped.

It makes me unhappy. I was born in 1990. I reached adulthood to see my country begin it's deterioration into corruption, fear, abuse of power by authority figures.
(here it comes)

My two problems:
1. I don't know what to do. How do I stop this powerful machine, backed by millions of ignorant people? How do I save my nation, and the world?
2. I don't know how to do. I don't have the tools. The majority of my pre-teen and teen years were spent despising my day-to-day life and hiding from it whenever I could. That is what I learned for seven years (not every minute of those years, but hopefully you understand what I mean).

I'd like to focus now on problem number 2.

I'm really having trouble with school. There, I said it. And I don't mean that I'm always saying "wow, so much work, I try so hard, but it just piles up." That's not it. The problem is that I don't know how to try. Now, that really sounds like something I cooked up in a sleep-deprived, grumpy mood. But I truly think I nailed it there. My procrastination problem has declined and gone beyond poor planning. Today, I went to school, did my volunteering that I signed up for, had lunch, and went home. I decided that I needed to do a lot of reading. I got home at 2:45. Seven hours later, I have done no reading. Yesterday was quite similar. I often have time between classes as well, which I do not use as intended. I waste so much time.

I am really uncertain about how connected my lack of motivation is with my feelings of hopelessness. It is hard to measure, because the majority of my time is in fact spent not being hopeless. I have negative thoughts about our society probably every day, but I don't dwell on it until I'm in a bad mood.

I am disturbed by multiple levels of my society - how people interact within a neighbourhood, what everyone is expected to do with their time, how our economic system enforces selfishness, how our government champions that selfishness, aaaand the environmental problem which is not being solved (certainly not here!). You could say that I am thoroughly disturbed by my society. I have a lot to observe, day to day, that I do not like. I have been doing a fair bit of lamenting, recently: why was I born in this time, with these leaders and these systems, when I despise much of it wholeheartedly?

BUT, the question is, do my hopeless feelings and observations go hand in hand with my lack of motivation, or not? Perhaps I occasionally funk myself into a depression, and latch onto something to feel bad about. I am actually confused. I have been unmotivated for many years, and I think I realized the problem fully when I was 18. Finding something to be upset about is nothing new - grade nine was a powerful example of that, feeling sad about girls.

It was helpful to write this blog and reflect on my situation. I might also mention that I began writing about high school, but got upset and deleted that section. I think high school might be a significant part of all this. I suppose I need to think over some things, but then what? I have been stuck in a bit of a rut, but for a long time. Breaking out might actually be a big deal. In the mean time, my solution is to tell myself "just move yourself - activate those legs, push yourself up, walk to your bag, pull out your textbook," much like giving commands to a robot.

anyway
goodnight

2011-12-05T23:53:00.001-06:00

If you were at a funeral and felt happy, would you not feel guilt in turn? What if you were at the funeral of your nation and your planet?

You said it would be all right

2011-12-01T23:46:00.001-06:00

OK well have you seen this video yet?

It has been like a virus in my mind. There is something about it. I didn't miss the point about gay marriage, no, I get that and that is great, especially the first time I watched it. But mom and I agreed that it's a good movie without the ending, about enjoying life and love.

I don't know. I've been upset about school. But I am honestly working on that. I am also upset about how our world works. The oppression of people outside the first world. The rape and pillage of the environment, to the point where it does not even make economic sense. Everything is headed the wrong way, and it feels like all I can do is watch and get upset. National happiness has been decreasing since 1950. I wish I was born earlier, so there was hope, so there was actually an end left to fight for.

I wish we were all just hunter gatherers. What would the world happiness look like, then?

These aren't passing thoughts. These ones are sticking. Every time I get upset my mind falls on them. I just wish the world wasn't full of selfish people. I'm not going to give examples, this isn't an essay. But the people leading our country are horrible. The corporations leading our daily lives are horrible, and full of horrible people. Maybe you should just pepperspray me and put me in a crowded cell until I shut up, maybe that's what needs to happen.

Oh, why am I having so much trouble just doing my schoolwork? It is also making me upset. Five classes was too many.

-----------

I just want to enjoy life like in the video. But I feel like I can't because I am too hopeless to get excited about school, and I can't stop feeling hopeless because no matter what I do the corporations will keep killing people, the police will keep attacking protestors, and the CEOs and conservative politicians will keep being corrupt and selfish bastards who encourage it. The federal election was horrible. Then there was a provincial election, and guess what, it was horrible.

I guess a feeling of hopelessness is just overshadowing everything. There's the elections, and I didn't get it together with school, and the more I learn about the current state of the world the less reason there is to do anything ever. The people smiling in the video, do they not read the news? Do they not understand how brutally our finite resources are being wasted, converted into pollution of all kinds? Are they aware of the world population? How close we are to the end? It feels like if someone is having a great life, they must be living in a fantasy world, ignoring all the problems.

Anyway, I identified the feeling so that's good. Hopelessness. I'm talking to a university counsellor next week. I'll have to organize my thoughts by then. I guess there's the being lazy with school problem (sometimes sitting for hours in a cubicle, fidgeting with my phone and getting nothing done) and then the hopelessness problem, and then how they intertwine.

OK. Well. Homework.

2011-12-01T22:21:00.000-06:00

"If you can't beat 'em, fuck you."

(credit)

2011-11-27T23:06:00.002-06:00

maybe one day the right wing will disappear and everyone will understand that we need to come together to save the world, and everything ever will change for the better, and we will move to Brooklyn and go on eco-friendly cruises when we are not working at our awesome jobs that we love

how come whenever i stay up late doing schoolwork i get sad?

It's not a poem, I just kept hitting enter for some reason

2011-11-27T19:35:00.004-06:00

If I could start over at any time in history
I would be born

1935

there would be a lot of bad things,
like gender inequality, police brutality,
and oh god! the racism!

things I enjoy today, the technologies,
the comforts, the safety measures
not around

but there would be
hope

it wouldn't be too late, like it is today.

2011-10-24T23:21:00.002-06:00

Updating my resumè is a mood booster! I believe I am fortunate to have such a resume. Infantry soldier! Didn't see that coming, did we, professor? Yeah, I volunteer ALL the time, for EVERYTHING. And of course, day camp manager, my heaviest area of experience is extremely relevant.

In summary: History student with years of experience working with kids applies for history job involving kids, also he was a badass when he was 17 and trained with the real deal army, and is currently volunteering more than you can handle.

Furthermore, professor, I am volunteering for YOU, right NOW, doing HISTORY research and planning CHILDREN’S programs. Yes, don’t worry, I’ll be accepting the job.

Let's hunt and gather together

2011-10-24T20:41:00.004-06:00

Some people can't stand putting things off. They're a dying breed. Do you think life is easier for them?

Humans are built to be hunter-gatherers. I keep thinking of that and feeling weird about life. What is so important about the quest for truth, really? Hunter gatherers... they hunt, and gather. Everyone used to do that. The image of grunting "cavemen" is revealed to be further and further from the truth, the more I read about them.

Work used to be play. Here, read this.

Now there is work and play.

My plan with school was to learn, and therefore be happy spending all this time learning. But there is essays, and natural science requirements, and procrastination. The late Steve Jobs, when he dropped out of college, walked everyday to the university just to drop in on classes and learn what he wanted to learn, and he loved it.

I just can't stop thinking of those hunter-gatherers. This, right here, is not what my body is for.

I crashed from coffee at 1am and this is what came out

2011-10-11T00:46:00.004-06:00

Well, I sure hope I'm not picked to do my drama assignment tomorrow!

There's a layer of self-loathing in my cake of emotions. I am an overstimulated person. I lack the focus necessary to be a good student. Where does this change? What will my process of growing beyond these bad habits look like, if it will even exist?

A part of me misses stacking boxes for 40 hours a week. That was a good social year... I believe that was when I met Alison and Cat. I really worked for the weekends. I lived alone and needed to do something social at least once a week. I went to the library to use the internet.

But it was worse than it sounds. There were positives and negatives. Even then, I used my time poorly. Working a shit job for 40 hours a week is one example, of course, but I also had a bath every morning, had rough long sleeps, and mostly watched DVDs in my spare time. Well actually I did read this one collection of history books at the library, that was good.

Things I want to be:
a heavy reader
an amazing student
a [actually we won't go there]
financially responsible
an ethical consumer
living on my own

Habits that impede me:
zoning out into the internet
chronic procrastination (a habit I have grown up with)
buying lunches; not budgeting at all
paying little attention to where my products are made

Old habits die hard. Will I procrastinate for my entire life? Will I ever be responsible? Will I continue to take advantage of the underpaid work of impoverished people?

We are born, we take what's in front of us, and we'll do it until we burn our planet out. The world population is exploding. I can't shake the feeling these days that I will live to see the downfall of our world.

I wish there were laws to prevent me from buying clothes made by mistreated workers. I wish, at least, that the institutions I support were guided by rules based on real ethics.

Humanity is an interesting species. Use your imagination and think of all the different ways things could have turned out. Hunter gatherers forever. Space explorers who want only to learn and better the earth. Our history, to date, is really something. Conquest is the name of the game. Greed. Empiricism.

I wish I could go to a mentor in the mountains, who would train me harshly to be awesome and responsible, and I would come out of the whole thing with a ph.d. After publishing my dissertation, I would write an inspiring autobiographical titled The Mountain and Me, and the "Mountain" would have a double meaning, because it would refer to both the mountain that I trained in as well as my mentor who was like a mountain to me

holy jesus time to stop

2011-10-04T22:09:00.001-06:00

I have a lot to do. I am getting a little bit frustrated.

Duper Doo!

2011-09-30T12:31:00.004-06:00

I'm not feeling particularly excited today, but I thought writing about things I'm excited about would be a good thing! So here!

1. Volunteering at the Museum of Antiquities on campus! I am going to be... researching? It is one of those things I should have asked about, but I was kind of too excited. I guess I am going to compile information maybe? I am doing research on the glass collection. So. Anyway I'm very excited, I might do tours as well! Are you excited for me doing tours!?

2. The possibility of working at the MoA's summer camp for children! You realize I am the MAN for that, right? I would be so fucking excited for that. Move over, boys and girls club! And a good thing about that too would be that I won't feel awkward telling the boys and girls club that I want to work there instead, because its totally reasonable, right? "Hey, I'm afraid I won't be able to work the whole summer at the camp this year, because I've just been offered a great opportunity et cetera, I love history so much and this is great, et cetera".

3. Playing Axis and Allies next week. Um. Yeah. There are some guys from high school I meet up with every once in a while to play Axis and Allies or paintball with. I am excited.

4. Dungeons and Dragons! I'm not playing/running any games right now, but I am excited about this one idea I had for a big campaign. An adventure to a Dwarf mountain city. I've got a villain and everything. It is open but has clear objectives and checkpoints. The villain is so interesting you guys, but the details are a secret! I have just been working on it here and there, and I have maintained excitement for it for a long time, which makes me think it is actually a good idea! I enjoy thinking and planning for D&D a lot... it makes me imagine things like old dwarves guarding doorways, tired in appearance and still strong, their shields stained black from a fire long ago... gnomes doing yoga in a field... riders storming down a hill.

NYC

2011-09-06T23:39:00.003-06:00

This blog feels more and more public as time goes on. When I started it three years ago, it was so unhinhibited. I suppose I had less relationships, less people to impress. I don't know. Anyway, I feel I should blog about something, just to calm down before bed.

So I went to New York City with Ferron, and her friend Julie, and Julie's friend Ellen.

OK so NYC is pretty cool. We saw a lot and it was great. Central Park is neato. We saw Mary Poppins and Wicked on Broadway and it was great!

I spent hours reading about and looking at Mesopotamian cylinder seals at the Morgan Library. It was amazing. I can't even tell you. I can't even fucking tell you.

OK, I am going to rewind and build up to the cylinder seals. So there were three awesome things I saw: a pompeii exhibit, a display "celebrating 100 years" at the New York Public Library, a bunch of awesome medieval stuff at the Morgan Library, and a bunch of awesome ancient artifacts at the Morgan Library.

The pompeii exhibit was great and had a bunch of awesome artifacts. I wasn't feeling it though, which is unfortunate and my problem, because it was actually quite impressive. Armor, pots, dice, amphorae. I guess I just wasn't in the mood. I was, however, emotionally affected by the casts of dead people - their exact shapes preserved by the hardened ash before their bodies decomposed. Just, how crazy is that? It is like a photograph of that moment. That Roman, with that face, hair, body, died exactly like that. Three women collapsed on stairs. A man holding a woman. A mother, father, and baby sprawled out across their living room. A dozen bodies and a surgeon on a beach.

I am going to be more brief about the NYPL display. What intrigued me was the cuneiform tablets they had on display. I teared up a bit when I saw them. They were from about 3000 BCE I think. Then there was a bunch of manuscripts from the middle ages which was pretty cool.

At the Morgan I checked out their exhibit on medieval fashion. Perhaps the focus of the exhibit allowed me to be more intrigued than I was at the quite general NYPL display. Several manuscripts, from about the 13th to 17th centuries I think, were open to illustrations depicting people in clothes of the time. It showed how fashion changed over the years. They had a few mannequins sporting the clothes as well.

Next at the Morgan I was sure to check out the Stavelot Triptych. "A medieval reliquary and portable altar in gold and enamel intended to protect, honor, and display pieces of the true cross." There you have it. So, I guess it's remotely possible I got to see part of the true cross. Pretty cool at any rate.

OK, it's really time for bed, so I'd better get to the cylinder seals. They had dozens of the goddam things. Dating back to 3500 BCE Mesopotamia, these were cylinders of several different compositions with extremely intricate designs carved on them. These worked like wax stamp seals of today. Instead of wax, they would roll them over clay to display the full picture carved on the seal. They were like a brand name, or a signature, from what I understand. To make something official, to say "I, Kuwari the merchant, endorse what is written here." These things were just so... intricate! There was one that really stuck with me. Very different from the others, likely so because of a new Semite influence in the region. Damn, I can't find it on the internet. It was smooth, the shapes round. Oryxes jumping or something like that.

Also, more cuneiforms! Bigger cuneiforms! There were fragments of: The Epic of Etana, the Epic of Adapa, a ritual for the observance of eclipses... But, best of all, the first ever recording of the deluge, and the oldest known origin of Noah's Arc: the Epic of Atrahasis!

"Let it be roofed over fore and aft. The gear should be very strong, the pitch should be firm, and so give the boat strength. For I will make water here."*

Anyway, holy fuck it's bed time!
oh, and I'm going to major in history

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*I messed around with this translation. I found it on google, but could not find the "I will make water here" version that was at the Morgan Library. Definitely not a peer-reviewed, critically analysed decision.

furgle fragg

2011-08-15T20:19:00.002-06:00

Hm. I wonder if the latter weeks of summer camp are more frustrating - more of a drag - because it is running the same programs every week. I think that is a big part of it. I've noticed the other leaders abbreviating the explanation of games, because they seem more clear to us who have run them dozens of times.

I'm also getting a little sick of one co-worker, and I believe she's getting sick of me. We're both good people though (she's just negative as shit and I'm not). Wouldn't it be nice if instead of making friends out of coworkers, you made coworkers out of friends? Oh, maybe not.

Anyway. It was my turn at the city camp two weeks ago and I hated it a lot. The next week I was back with the 9-12 year olds at Pike Lake, and well jeeze, they were all right, but I wasn't really feeling it - they would never shut up, for one. This week it is the 6-8 year old camp and I am feeling as if I only like 9-12 year olds now. Six to eight year olds are dumb! And weird!

I am really looking forward to my New York trip. I am thinking the words "two weeks until New York" a lot. Children are not my calling in life. Sometimes I don't even know if I like them. Ferron insists that I like them; she calls me "Dadley" to tease me. Maybe I do like them a little bit, but I am not crazy about them. I don't think I would feel a sense of loss if I stopped working with kids; I would only that my next job was more boring, which is what happened when I worked at the warehouse.

Oh, god... have you ever read Box Office Poison? One lead character, Sherman, he works at this bookstore and he hates it. He wants to become a writer, but he never practices. In the epilogue, Sherman stays in the bookstore, eventually becoming supervisor and then manager.

No one wants to read a biography about someone who has no initiative. Except some people liked the graphic autobiography Lucky... except I hated it, because it was about this loser girl with no initiative who just lulled around with nude modeling for art classes (which she hated and made her cry) and shitty temp jobs. I like Maus because it is about this man who had nothing but made something with whatver he could find. It takes drive to do that, and pride.

WHY

WHY DO I HAVE SUCH WEAK INITIATIVE? Is it a deep developmental thing? I'm just fucking LAZY. I just wish I knew the answer to the question, "what's your problem" (if someone were to ask it). I want to read more, but I don't. I should practice guitar. Clean my room. Do my chores at the time I've agreed to do them without being reminded. I know I know I KNOW it's my fault, OK, I just don't understand why I have this problem.

maybe it's high school that did it. But what does that make me, if i blame who i am on my development? It makes me a shithead victim, frozen in time, forever blaming others, while those others move on and forget. I don't understand laziness, and laziness is the root of my problems.

The Five Ages of Man

2011-07-31T13:10:00.004-06:00

O.K. O.K. check dis.

Hesiod's five ages of man, likely adopted from myth of Median or Persian origin: The Golden Age, where people lived among gods, and freely mingled with them. The Silver Age, where people lived with their mothers for one hundred years as children, only to age suddenly and die bitterly. The bronze age, where people lived for war, with not only bronze weapons and tools, but bronze houses as well. The Heroic age, that of Hercules and Helen of Troy, where people lived with demigods and heroes.

Last, there is the iron age. I think you ought to read this one for yourself.

And again far-seeing Zeus made yet another generation, the fifth, of men who are upon the bounteous earth. Thereafter, would that I were not among the men of the fifth generation, but either had died before or been born afterwards. For now truly is a race of iron, and men never rest from labour and sorrow by day, and from perishing by night; and the gods shall lay sore trouble upon them. But, notwithstanding, even these shall have some good mingled with their evils. And Zeus will destroy this race of mortal men also when they come to have grey hair on the temples at their birth. The father will not agree with his children, nor the children with their father, nor guest with his host, nor comrade with comrade; nor will brother be dear to brother as aforetime. Men will dishonour their parents as they grow quickly old, and will carp at them, chiding them with bitter words, hard-hearted they, not knowing the fear of the gods. They will not repay their aged parents the cost their nurture, for might shall be their right: and one man will sack another's city. There will be no favour for the man who keeps his oath or for the just or for the good; but rather men will praise the evil-doer and his violent dealing. Strength will be right and reverence will cease to be; and the wicked will hurt the worthy man, speaking false words against him, and will swear an oath upon them. Envy, foul-mouthed, delighting in evil, with scowling face, will go along with wretched men one and all. And then Aidos and Nemesis, with their sweet forms wrapped in white robes, will go from the wide-pathed earth and forsake mankind to join the company of the deathless gods: and bitter sorrows will be left for mortal men, and there will be no help against evil.

Just as good or better as any of those Bible stories, if you ask me.

Another thing. Why is all modern fantasy based on Norse myth? Why don't we expand our boundaries a little, and get some Greek business going on?

Too long to be a Facebook update

2011-07-25T22:55:00.001-06:00

I fainted after getting up too quickly from the bath yesterday... regaining consciousness after fainting is such a strange experience every time. I have no idea what happened or why I am on the floor with sharp pains in my body, but what's really weird is the mental experience. I remember loud noises in my head... lots of overlapping voices, maybe some music, sound effects? My face burned and felt tense as blood rushed to my head, when suddenly I realized that I was not where I was a moment ago.

What were those noises?

Here's what's weird about my approach to university

2011-06-13T22:25:00.000-06:00

I want to learn as much as I can from each of my classes. I want to keep the knowledge. But that is very hard! I have to do well, and think about it later.

It's just... OK here:
I want to get educated. I don't want a degree. I don't want to be a lawyer or a teacher or an engineer. I want to learn about things. I want to be a knower. If the conservatives win another election in 2015, and blue goons break into my house for evading work in the salt mines, and they rip up my degree, I don't want it to matter. I want my degree to exist in my head. For real. Forever.

People ask what my career goal is. My only goal right now is knowledge. The pursuit of knowledge seems like a fine career to me, so I am keeping that option open.

What's the point of taking a class if you don't remember any of it? On the other hand, how are you supposed to remember all of that? I should probably be aiming for 90s in all of my classes, if knowledge is my goal. I have a bad memory though, truly. I got 90-something in Philosophy 133, but I don't remember what Sartre's big thing was.

I might have written a post just like this a year ago; I felt this way then. But when school came I procrastinated a lot. I could have done... so much better. My room is a mess and I am frustrated with my disorganization. It's hard to change. I plan to change, to get better at working, staying organized. I plan to do it sometime.

Oh jesus christ it's 10.25. fuck.

Why stress? Why blog? iunno

2011-06-08T21:30:00.002-06:00

I am an overthinker. I dwell on bad experiences, churning them over. I believe I developed this in order to learn from my mistakes and plan out ways to improve.

However, consider this flowchart:

feel stress => consider the inciting event => don't let it go => blow it up into something bigger => go back to start

What I need to learn is to forget about it. Not forget about it, but stash it. If it doesn't require more thought, it should be put away for later. This is what I need to improve on. Perhaps I need more things to think about, so that stupid things don't take brain priority?

If this was Hyperbole and a Half, this post would be marked with a bunch of silly drawings to make it entertaining. I think the reason I don't post on this blog anymore is that I don't see how it is worth reading. I don't know. Or maybe I am becoming a more private person. Two years ago I probably would have written about the inciting event. It is nothing I am embarrassed about; I will tell you if you ask me. But I don't want to blog about it. It's a personal matter, to be discussed personally.

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Oh hey, there's this one six-year-old at work who went to the children's festival with school and got his face painted black (in order to be a "gorilla"). The next morning his face was still black! Just smeared and hideous from sleeping on it, of course. Before his mom left, she said to him "are you sure you don't want to was your face?" and he shook his head. "Okay," she sighed, with sarcasm.

Hey guess what, you're in charge. You are responsible for your kid. Derp. She's a bit weird.

Everyone just has kids like it doesn't fucking matter. You want kids? Have 'em. You can do what you want. Do things because you want to do them. Great. Go ahead.

That was fun. Blogging feels good. It was the anecdote that felt good though, not the discussing of my problems. Do I need to blog to feel good, or simply write? Writing is exciting for me, and I focus on it. Maybe when I feel bad about something I should write, not necessarily blog, just write.

Thanks for reading. Really. See you next time, which may be soon, or later, or perhaps never. But if you take something from reading my thoughts, I appreciate that. I appreciate that you appreciate me.

Sayonara!

2011-05-30T10:15:00.003-06:00

I am having second thoughts about my use of the word "evil" in my last post. It is hard to define, but at any rate it is a pretty strong word. What about all the conservative politicians who have only the best intentions? That must be many of them, if not all. I think it is better not to condemn people by throwing words like "evil" around. I am just really angry with them.

O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

2011-05-29T23:08:00.006-06:00

It's hard not to feel angry sometimes. A lot of people voted conservative. I believe that to be true.

My question to those people is: What the fuck are you thinking?

Anyway, an attack ad was released against teachers by the provincial government recently. What the fuck. I can't even begin.

1: It is completely inappropriate for the government to pay for advertising about an issue like this. You do not use public money to convince people to side against a legitimate workers union simply to further your own ends.
2: Using "tax dollars" to slander SK teachers is on my list of things that make you evil.

Evil is a strange thing to define. Profoundly immoral? Would I say that the people who made that ad happen are profoundly immoral? I think so. By that definition, whoever decided that it should be created is evil. The actors and producers are evil. Am I being dramatic? Do I sound like a crazy person? Yes to both. We are living in dark times, in a nation led by evil men and women*.

I have never said that politicians are criminals, or crooks. It is not something I say just to be rebellious or prove a point. But Stephen Harper is a criminal. He broke the law. Oh, god... just get him out of the picture and things will be better. He's a fucking madman.

We are headed in a horrible direction with the voice of millions keeping it that way. It's hard to remain hopeful. It's hard to continue to promise that, O Canada, we stand on guard for thee. My local Fairvote chapter is inactive, having maintained radio silence since months before the election. I sent them an e-mail and received a reply of non-commitment. I feel angry and helpless.

It's hard to keep hoping. That's all I have to say, really.

------------------------
*by evil men and women, I am generally referring to conservative politicians who support Stephen Harper

2011-05-26T17:08:00.002-06:00

I was going to write this as a youtube comment, but then I decided that youtube comments are kind of dumb. But I wanted to share it. I think it makes my high school life sound like a fun adventure.

I remember stealing "the key" when I was in school. We used it to get into the network of crawlspaces. One time, we spent an hour crawling through there with flashlights, scribbling down a map. You could break into Mr. Caisse's classroom through a hatch in the floor and climb out the window.

2011-05-02T22:58:00.003-06:00

i used to write in this to sort out my feelings. i would write when i was mad or sad. it's been a while. i don't know what to say.

it is a dark day.

if i am still canadian i suppose i should still fight. but right now i really don't feel like fighting. i don't feel like doing much at all.

2011-04-22T10:33:00.002-06:00

When I was in grade twelve, someone kept shitting on the bathroom floor. They assumed it was a grade nine student, and they reminded us to set a good example to the younger students and discourage them from doing things like shitting on floors.

Discipline your children. And homeschool them.

2011-03-09T09:10:00.002-06:00

When the kids at this B&G Club program get to me, it's generally not because they've misbehaved. I leave with a bad feeling on days when they demonstrate the laziness, entitlement, and ignorance that their parents and society has granted them.

A lesson that I have learned very concretely with this job, and one that I wish everyone knew: Your darling angel is bound to misbehave once in a while.

I do have children that I favour, ones that demonstrate to me an intelligent mind or click with me in some way. It's going to happen. If I like them, they are probably not misbehaving very much in the first place. But in smaller groups they do misbehave, and I give them a "strike" (as in baseball) once in a while. Now, if you are a parent, you had better be ready for your kid to be misbehaving behind your back everyday. Their favourite place to do this might be at school or in some program, and they are apt to lie about it. Give the teachers or program leaders the benefit of the god damn doubt, and discipline your fucking child.

Kids are being raised in such a consequence-free system nowadays, it's rather awful. They go into high school feeling invincible, because up until then it was forbidden to fail them. Usually they squeeze through high school too; we are pumping out lazy bums from our education system. Our forms of entertainment are nurturing ignorance and attention deficiency. We need to fight this by means of providing good and bad consequences, structuring their time, and limiting their exposure to unproductive media.

If you ask me, the system is no good right now. If I have kids, they'll be schooled at home.

Just look at the last generation of children we raised in front of the T.V. - they're voting Conservative.

-----------------------------

I ALMOST FORGOT - WATCH THIS VIDEO RIGHT NOW GOD DAMN

2011-02-28T18:50:00.002-06:00

http://www.cbc.ca/fifth/2010-2011/youshouldhavestayedathome/

Felt like ruining my night so I started watching the video linked above. Threw in a clip of a car ploughing through a recent bike protest in Brazil, for good measure. Not goning to link you to that one. I just told you what it was. You don't need to see it.

The Myth of the Crooked Trees

2011-02-08T09:42:00.003-06:00

Some friends and I went on a trip to the grove of crooked aspen trees last year. We had a picnic, and it was fun.

The highlight was creating myths for the creation of the trees. A kindly older man stayed to enjoy one of the stories, and recorded it for us. It took him a few months, but today he sent me a message that he had posted it on youtube. I think the video is fantastic.

Open Letter

2011-02-06T23:19:00.003-06:00

Dear prof,

I'm glad to be writing a shitty unclear essay in response to your shitty unclear essay question.

As they said on the Magic School Bus: "If you keep asking shitty questions, you'll keep getting shitty answers!"

Your #1 student,
Hadge

Here is an e-mail I sent to Reberk

2011-01-26T16:01:00.001-06:00

OK OK
Here is the kind of subtlety I'm crazy about.

Do you remember when Marge Simpson's mom was dating Abe Simpson, but then Mr. Burns came along and was about to marry her? Abe is above the procession behind a window, and he interupts the ceremony by banging on the glass and yelling "Mrs. Bouvier! Mrs. Bouvier!" Then they run outside and get on the care home bus.

Well that is of course a reference to something - the ending scene of the film "The Graduate". That clip is about five minutes and doesn't require your full attention. Just make sure to catch the ending.

OK you've watched it now? I am so fucking crazy about that kind of thing! That is what I want to make in art. It is as subtle as their quiet facial expressions, but completely impossible to ignore as they sit and reflect on what they've done and the reality of their situation. Man. Awesome.

Hads

It's not a competition... unless you're Hadley

2011-01-22T17:44:00.005-06:00

I am quite competitive when it comes to board games. Other people are always doing eachother and me favours in the game, with the expectation that the favours will be returned. But when I play a board game involving in-depth strategy, I play to win. The longer the game takes, the more serious about it I seem to get.

I compare this to someone playing a sport, or hunting, or running an adventure race. Those things are often more satisfying when taken seriously, are they not? I suppose it is different for different people. Anyway, comparing it to these things makes me think it's OK.

One problem might be that I can become unhappy if I am losing. That is pure bad and not OK. I think I might be growing out of it though - last night I very seriously played Dominion and came in Worst Place, but I still felt satisfaction and relief at having played a good game.

I think the trifecta and I have a similar mindset about board games, and the trifecta loves board games (they don't get upset if they lose, though). I may have learned this seriousness from them.

Blagoo, Baby

2011-01-10T17:24:00.002-06:00

I helped an old man use his debit card at the grocery today. He didn't understand the system. I suppose I feel proud for being an assertive and clear communicator, but I feel bad for the old man. He had a rather hard time and must have been emberrassed. Is it not belittling? To have something explained step-by-step, in a world where most adults require no such explanation?

He thanked me, so he must have appreciated the help. I suppose if I hadn't helped him, the teenage cashier might have spent several minutes trying to explain the system. The cashier is a good kid; he nodded to me with a look that said "we are good dudes for helping this guy out, isn't that pleasant." I appreciate that he gave me that look, and not the "we both know he's crazy" look.

Anyway, here follows the only useful thought within this post: if I travelled back in time forty years, and tried to explain how to operate a debit machine to a healthy and intelligent young man, I imagine it would have been a similar process.

--------------------------

Professor: Is that clock on the wall correct? Does anyone know what time it is?
Young Douche: It's wrong. It's 3.15.
Professor: Oh, OK, I'll try to cover the novel as much as I can in five minutes so I can let you all go.

Then she launched back into her lecture. I am so passive that I almost didn't say anything. I didn't want to interrupt, and I felt like my window had passed. I fidgeted alot instead of interrupting. When she wrapped up and let us out, I stopped her, and told her that the clock was indeed wrong. She called the class back together.

Young Douche is one of the many people in my classes who don't seem to understand that they are among adults, and expected to act similar to an adult as well. The professor isn't a teacher trained to beware of clowns like you, Young Douche, she is a learned person offering her knowledge to us (in a very innovative and thoughtful way, I might add). Go back to high school if you prefer to win respect by taking advantage of your instructors' consideration.

Kids like him don't seem to understand that if they want to leave early, they can leave early. If they aren't listening and prefer to chat with their friends, they are authorized to leave with no penalty. So shut the fuck up or get out. You are paying to attend specialized lectures and seminars given by highly educated professionals, so that you might increase your knowledge and standing in society. How does it follow, in your mind, that you pay for this program, and then try to cut corners and skip out on the service offered to you?

I deal with children each morning, and that is enough for me. It is something I do not do for free. I can't wait to be out of this transition program and onto the main campus; hopefully there, in second year, there won't be children in my classes.

Grades

2010-12-21T21:01:00.002-06:00

Got my grades for my three classes. Philosophy was good and I wanted to brag about it, but I was disappointed with how I did in English and History. Didn't feel fantastic about philosophy in the long run, either.

I feel I ought not to post my marks, but suffice to say that, according to this chart, I got an As and Bs. Not bad, right? But here's why I don't feel too great about them: I could have done a lot better. If I had done all my readings for English, if I had done all my essays before the very last minute, if I had studied history and philosophy at home to make sure that I understood what was being covered... if I had done these things I would be a lot more proud of myself, and had pretty damn good marks.

I do have a resolution for this new year, and it is not to procrastinate.

Gellin' like Magellan

2010-12-18T19:47:00.002-06:00

I had a good moment last night.

I was walking home at 2am and noticed some people in a car were talking shit to me. Usually during these moments I feel scared, embarassed, or angry for any combination of reasons, but this time I really didn't give a fuck. I am crossing a street and several drunk people exclaim that I should hop in, bro, where you goin bro, we're offering you a fuckin ride here, bro. They didn't get out of their car, and I knew that they wouldn't.

I'm sorry boys, I didn't feel intimdated, I just felt superior. Now go on and get kicked out of a commerce lecture for talking, or whatever it is you folk do nowadays.

The only reason this is noteworthy was that I didn't walk away thinking "I must have appeared such a coward," or "why are there people like that in the world." It was nice to know I had the power to refuse them entry into my mind. Epictetus would be proud.

Great

2010-12-05T23:27:00.002-06:00

So. Planning on being vegan again. Fantastic. How enjoyable. Who doesn't love the sweet satisfaction of avoiding the bakery, or not getting whatever you want at the coffee shop? Why eat butter, when you can spend 5 minutes reading ingredients every time you buy margarine? Resturaunts are over-rated anyway, with their wonderfully tasting egg dishes. I can't wait to not eat pizza!

THANKS, PHILOSOPHY 133!

If you could have lunch with one person,

2010-11-21T23:24:00.004-06:00

alive or dead, who would it be? Socrates.

What can I say, I struggle with procrastination. I think saying the problem like that is not only a way to admit it, but also a way to simplify and clarify it.

Well, anyway, I'm working on it. It is not a detrimental problem yet.

Did you guys know that my philosophy professor thinks I have a special, brilliant mind? Awfully nice of her to say so. I've decided to try to trust her, as I do respect her a lot. I suppose that since I have this talent I ought to try and use it. Some might say I have a duty to use it... for instance, my philosophy professor, and Jean-Paul Sartre.

I am skeptical of her judgement, though, as I'm not sure what her evidence was. I am alert in class, and I try to be involved - perhaps this misled her to believe that I am brilliant as well? Perhaps I should ignore this skepticism in order to enhance my self-image, but... I don't know, you guys. I'm a skeptic.

Anyway,

What I meant to post was that I read a poem at the community stage tonight, and I was uncertain about it, but I think it went over well. Jesse Brown gave me a high-five with a hand-squeeze. Lots of other high-fives, too. I think a smile and a head-nod generally means "I at least admire that you went up and did that," whereas a high-five indicates a higher degree of recognition.

I wanted to write a troll poem but I ended up writing a sea monster poem and it was just fine. It was a sestina.

2010-11-19T09:41:00.003-06:00

I told a scary story at work and some kids were scared to go to the bathroom during school (because of Bloody Mary). I do feel bad, but was my intent good? Yes. Far better to get in trouble for entertaining kids than for neglecting them. And I didn't really get in trouble, you could say I was just advised.

I want to tell stories to children. It is a thing that I have thought about and wished for an opportunity to do. Kids beg me to tell them a story about Bloody Mary, and voila, here is my opportunity.

Oh, well. Writing it makes me feel better, like usual.

Can I get to it from here?

2010-10-11T22:10:00.004-06:00

"I guess that Autumn
Gets you remembering
And even the smallest things
Can make you cry"

From "Autumn's Here" by Hawksley Workman

Changes in the seasons do things to me, recent evidence suggests. Spring and fall are the culprits. They make me reminiscent over nothing in particular, make me feel memories that I can't put my finger on. University memories, although I have none. New York in winter....

It happens only occasionally. It's quiet but powerful. It bothers me, for I cannot put my finger on this place that I remember. Where was it? Did it ever exist? Can I get to it from here?

Ah... this is such crazy talk. I suppose spring and autumn might just cause things to fire off in my brain. I wonder if it is linked to the quiet but ever-present want for a romantic companion. That's a strange thing about myself that I certainly don't understand. Sometimes I feel like maybe I will never have a girlfriend, and that's OK; other times it feels like I am just suppressing a great need for such a relationship. Past experience suggests that when I do have a romantic brush with a potential partner, I go a little crazy for that idea. I know that I can't do casual relationships. Good heavens, do I ever know that now.

Two videos came into my mind while thinking about this whole thing. This one might have planted the seeds for my bizarre and unrealistic fantasy of falling in love in New York in winter. It is (was) mainstream, and most people that I mention it to hate it, but that ought not to hold any weight. Here it is. The other is a good song, but it is more the video that hit something in my brain. It is not a spectacular video; it is fan-made and rather amateur. But it reminds me of that memory I don't actually have. It is here.

P.S. oh my god am I terrified about global warming. Winter is coming later and later, you can see it! Selfishly, this makes me paranoid for my future. Will the natural world be different for me than it was for everyone before? Am I running out of time for winter kisses?

So silly

2010-09-28T23:34:00.002-06:00

I want to do this essay right, you know? I want it to be a killer first essay. Actually I have two essays. I have two essays and no time. My brain is stuck. stuck stuck sticky icky

It's OK though.

I think that university is where I should be right now. I am very glad that it is a part of my life.

I know it is a common habit of the immature to jump to the following conclusion, but everything is so confusing and exciting in the beginning that the idea just flies into your head all the time. I think I might be falling in love with university. I know, we are only three weeks into the relationship and I am being silly... it's just that I'm really happy when I am around university. I feel like I could spend the rest of my life with it.

Whoa Nellie

2010-09-16T09:16:00.003-06:00

Just thought I'd mention, for anyone who's been following my therapeutic writings of late, that I feel way better today. I think my breath seems worse to me than it actually is (thanks mom and dad for testing), and breathmints are a nice little boost of confidence that seal the deal. My headache's pretty much gone at the moment and I just realized how damn on top of school I am.

I don't have classes tomorrow but I do not have the day off, no sir, for I am a busy and responsible student.

2010-09-15T19:15:00.003-06:00

I can't cry in front of people.

I stopped being vegan yesterday and I been cryin. The last time I cried was 91 days ago, when I decided to become vegan. I don't cry often, and I am generally frightened of crying in front of other people (or on the phone to other people). I was going to talk to Berkley about it, but I didn't want to cry. He phoned me and had time to talk but I couldn't do anything more than mention that I stopped being vegan. I am not ashamed of crying but I just can't let people to see.

Anyway:

I'd been tired and headaches and sick-but-not-quite-sick-enough-to-stay-home for most of August and now it feels like it is getting worse. I was sick for both of Nicole's parties in August. Mama said "where do you get your iron from?" and I said "I don't know." Berkley said "with what do you replace milk?" and I said "I don't know." I believe I failed to properly nourish myself. I'll be vegetarian for a week, and talk to a physician if my overall state of health doesn't improve.

It's weird being vegetarian. I bought a donut today, and a crepe. I didn't even have to think about it. There was no meat, so I could eat it.

Crying for me is also weird. Sometimes I want to cry so bad but can't. Generally it hits me when I don't expect it, and then for a short while I have a thing that I can think about to automatically cry. Usually it does not last this long, but I've had this fucking headache and congestion and bad breath (that one's due to me losing my wisdom teeth) and also I'm in school for firsties and feeling that. It makes me nervous that I do my homework in the mornings before class (what if something comes up and stops me?). So far I am on top of things. Mmmmmmaybe I could quit my job and therefore be able to get up, oh, five hours later. Would that be too lazy though?

And this fucking breath has been killing me these past two days. I guess bacteria is in my wounds? Perfectly normal, even though it is in my nose too. Whatever guys. I went through a whole pack of breath mints today. I would love for this shit to be gone by tomorrow. It stresses me out whenever I have to talk near someone. Sometimes the minty smell wafts out but is followed by the sewagey smell. It's so tricky.

I've stopped crying, btw. Writing is a thing that I do for me sometimes.

whatever

2010-09-13T21:49:00.003-06:00

I had my wisdom teeth pulled on Friday. I spent Friday, Saturday, and Sunday recovering. I feel like I could continue recovering (i.e., drifting in and out of consciousness, watching movies, having baths) all week but that would interfere with my priorities.

I work for an hour and forty-five minutes a day, but I don't want to. That is how I feel about it right now. It would be much easier if the kids were friends and cliqued up and played their own weirdo games, but they are not and must be dragged through activities constantly. I only know so many activities. There is a 13-year-old there each day. What am I supposed to do with him? Why is he even there!?

School is causing me stress. I think the reason is that I really, really want to succeed, and must revamp my old habits in order to do so. I want to be a professor, you know. I want to learn to love this stuff. I can't fail. If I fail I will have nothing left to turn to. I tried the day-job-life, it is shitty and empty. I know science fits my brain, I hear it calling me, and so I can't fail. So far I am mainly on top of things, but soon there will be essays and exams and essays within exams. Like a knight marching off to war, I feel pangs of fear, quiet whispers of terror.

And I'm right sick of these sore teeth and puffy cheeks. I do not look handsome. I look chubby, and young. I dislike it. Also, the blood is giving me bad breath.

I am done blogging and I don't feel any better.

I think that this is a good post about my day at Royal West.

2010-09-07T21:11:00.005-06:00

It was orientation day today for the Arts and Science Transition Program. I found it very useful and informative, I took fourteen pages of notes. I believe I was the only person taking notes, and I imagine the average person will forget most of what was said today. I feel good about coming completely unprompted with a notebook and pen, simply wanting to absorb as much information as possible. It makes me feel like I have the right attitude.

A great deal of the students there looked rather bumly. The young men especially: Moping, hoods up, cellphones popping and out of their bags. Cellphones are a safety net, you know. I am glad that I can go there by myself with my shirt tucked into my pants, confident in my adulthood, goals in mind, and with no insecure need to find someone to sit beside.

One professor warned us not to party too hard, as we need to manage our workload and get healthy amounts of sleep. I imagine that a great deal of first years strive to fit in by attending as many keggars and pubcrawls as they are invited to, getting quite drunk, getting excited about alcohol culture, and thus bonding with eachother. I am very glad to have a large amount of friends who are intelligent, responsible, and encouraging. I say "I must go home and study," they say "better get on that." I really don't feel the need to meet anyone new at the transition program, except for note buddies.

Classes begin tomorrow. I have History 121 and Philosophy 133 back-to-back in the afternoon. Everyday but Friday I have two classes back-to-back in the afternoon. I plan to, almost each day, bike straight from work (boys and girls club before-school care) to school, arriving between 9.15 and 9.45. Once there I will do homework and read. I plan to make this a routine with only occasional exceptions (e.g., morning or lunch date, no work to be done). I guess tomorrow I will have nothing to do if I get there early, so I might stop in at home first and bath or nap or watch a movie or something nice.

Conversations are a way of determining and affirming compatability.

2010-09-06T02:08:00.004-06:00

I don't usually go to parties where the strangers outnumber my friends, usually it is the inverse. I don't really understand the purpose of big parties like that; I just hung out with the people I know. Maybe a lot of the people there know samples of people from each of the groups so they walk around and catch up. I don't know. I mostly just talked to Alana and Deirdre and Ferron and Dana. Janessa popped in and was enthusiastic about something. I suppose if I was two years older I would have gone to school with a lot of people there.

Talking to intelligent people that I like is a nice change from listening to average people that I work with. Some people just talk so much about nothing, and they say the same things over and over. People that I like don't do that. Write that down.

Even with friends, though, conversations are a challenge for me. I think I am good at encouraging them to speak by asking questions and things like that, but I have deficient skill in coming up with interesting things to say. For instance, many times when it would have been appropriate for me to add something, I just said "yeah, for sure... yeah, that's really interesting." BLANDOBOT ALERT!! Somebody call BLAND-11 we've got a really lame conversationalist here he is on the couch oh please send someone quick. I am getting better, though, most definitely. Yeah. Yeah, I'm happy with how I'm getting better.

I also did some thinking about conversations. Is it the content of the conversations that is truly important, or the resulting developments of the relationships? I think I remember the progess of my relationships much more than the content of the conversations that helped to develop them. That being said, conversations seem to be crucial to a meaningful relationship. It is a way of determining and affirming compatibility. It is a fast way to learn about people's minds.

Conversations were a physical strain for me too because I am sick and I should go to the doctor. I think my diet may be causing a strain on my immune system, and also maybe giving me headaches. I don't know what I'm doing wrong but I haven't been paying attention either. I've been sick twice in the past month, and by twice I mean once for a really long time but it flared up twice.

blessed are the forgetful

2010-08-29T12:50:00.003-06:00

I met a girl in a dream, again. It reminded of me of the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, where most appearances of the character Clementine are actually figments of Joel's imagination.

At the end of my dream, "Britney" and I were holding hands. She seemed very interested in continuing things with me but she seemed to be a very needy and confused person. I asked her how old she was and she said "nine plus eight". I kissed her hand and told her "this is the end of our relationship." Then I left and the dream ended.

Non-Fiction Narrative

2010-08-19T22:43:00.003-06:00

The streets were busy for a Thursday. I had just finished my attempt at introducing Cat to Dungeons and Dragons, and was walking home. My pace was brisk because I felt like getting home sooner.

Outside of Lydia's bar I walked past several drunken teenage "gangsters" and saw a young man scribbling something quickly on the backdoor of the pub. I gathered that he was "tagging" it, and I walked past him without a glance or a word. What should I have done?

Down the street, a trio of teenagers were sitting on some chairs on a lawn. I was in the habit of smiling at people, so I smiled. One of them stuck her hand up and emphatically invited me to high-five her. Without cutting my pace, I pushed a mime-high-five in her direction and said "pow!" A boy with curly black hair that was with her added that the high-five was a reward for me expressing myself. I thanked him, but the girl seemed to want more from me.

"Hey, come here. Wait."

I had already passed the group by this point and continued to walk.

"No?" she said.

"No," I answered nonchalantly.

I thought of this encounter for the rest of the walk home, and felt only more and more satisfied with myself. My goal had been to go home in a timely manner with no trouble. What might she have wanted with me? Probably some foolish playful thing, like asking me a question that would make her friends giggle, or asking me about my shirt. Would it be worth my time? Very unlikely.

As we walk through the streets of Saskatoon, our trust of strangers comes and goes with the eb and flow. A certain level of interaction is appropriate between strangers, and it is based largely around mistrust. If I sidled up beside a group of strangers walking, I would most likely be ignored with caution or questioned and cast out. In Saskatoon, approaching strangers on the street is not a good way to meet people, especially at night.

I made the right decision tonight, acting with assertion and confidence.

More Guilt

2010-07-28T17:28:00.002-06:00

Is guilt something you should strive to feel, in order to be more human? Or is it something you should avoid as much as possible, as it is negative?

People say not to focus on the past, but if someone murders a person, declares that it is wrong, but shows no remorse, people will scorn and scoff.

I have four things to feel guilty about and they all happened within the past two days. I feel miserable. Should I try to stop, or would that make me scornable and scoffable?

Eternal Guilt

2010-07-24T20:20:00.003-06:00

Ah, man... whenever I think about it, I sure wish I had never sworn loyalty to the queen. And it's not just the queen, it's her heirs and successors, too, so I'm kind of boxed in there.

It's not that I am against the queen. Well, maybe a little. She's all right. It's the principle of the thing, OK? The principle of things is very important to me.

Do my oaths hold more value than my current morals? No. So here's the plan: Fuck oaths. Oaths I made in the past are gone. Future oaths will not happen.

If you're curious, I have made two oaths in my past:
The first one to myself: "I will never shoot a surrendering person."
The second, to the queen: "I, Hadley Staite, do solemnly affirm that I will be faithful and bear true allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second, her heirs and successors according to the law, forever, as chosen by God."

Supposed to be "so help me God" but I think the captain messed up.

So that's that taken care of. I guess. The guilt of breaking my oath to the queen will be with me forever, I suppose. That's why there will be no more fucking oaths.

I am sad about the government

2010-07-17T18:31:00.003-06:00

Do I like my government? No. But do I trust my government? Also no. Did you know that parliament has been prorogued twice? That means put on pause, so that the politicians don't argue about what is happening. Twice. By the same P.M. That is one thing that is wrong.

After reading news reports and watching videos of the G20 Toronto protests I feel frightened and confused. Riot police are scary, we all know that, and that's O.K. What is wrong is when they act brutally, but I don't know if that happened. It is, however, very wrong when they are given illegal orders that constitute pointless and unexplained detainment and arrest, thus violating the legal rights of those they are policing.

This is what happened and I this is why I don't know what the fuck. Also, there is footage of riot police using a tactic called "kettling," in which they trap a group of demonstrators in order to demoralize and exhaust them, as the demonstrators are deprived of supplies and washroom facilities. It's not OK to do that.

The thing is, I don't know what to do or who to trust. Maybe our government will make infraction after infraction and continue to get away with it. What will I be able to do? This is why I am sad.

2010-07-13T20:49:00.001-06:00

My last post sure was weird.

Learning is where I want you to touch

2010-07-12T21:17:00.006-06:00

I just want to learn. It is my life goal. It is my career goal. It is my social goal, personal goal, sexual goal.

If you would please, for the moment, eliminate all religious connotations you associate with the word "spiritual," you could say that I am having a minor spiritual breakthrough. I was feeling worried about things earlier this evening, but now that I've realized the opportunities for learning and growth that said breakthrough presents... I feel calm.

...

... aummmm

"When I get older, I will be stronger"

2010-07-11T22:45:00.003-06:00

I threw my costumed dance party yesterday and it was successful. Looking at the cards and gifts some people brought me got me thinking: I can't help but feel very grateful to have the friends I do. It took a while, but I have found truly awesome people (with awesome costume ideas!).

A posse of my high school friends came along too, and they know how to have a good time. It did become clear to me however that we have grown apart and do not enjoy the chemistry we once had. Still good to see them, of course.

The dance aspect was lacking, though. Only occasionally would a couple of people decide to dance a little bit, and then there were just a few larger group occurances on top of that for the truly rockin' beats. I think I know what my set-up lacked, though: quantity of people. To get more people to dance I think you just need more people. I had about 10 or 15 folks, and I think maybe a dance party should have something closer to 20 or 30. Next time I throw a party it will not be a dance party, I think.

Today I had the first romantic kissing experience I've had in a long time, and it was a lot better than any past make-out. I think I learned a lot today just from experiencing it and passive observation. Non-verbal communication between partners is a fascinating thing and it gives me boners. I am exceptionally happy to have had this experience, and it makes me excited to develop various skills as I grow older. Here is a mathematical expression for you: Grade 9 kissing < Grade 12 kissing < Kissing today. As I grow older I can only imagine the various other opportunities I will have to learn about so many different areas of life. The idea fills me with great joy.

I have procrastinated my housecleaning to very late, but I am in a good mood today.

Here's another goal

2010-07-04T21:52:00.002-06:00

I think I could write a novel this summer, don't you? So many novels started and abandoned... they do not matter. The only difference between those who finish novels and those who do not is whether or not they have finished a novel. I am a writer and I ought to write. I honestly think novel-writing could be my calling, I've just yet to, y'know, give it a full try.

People say that the best way to write a novel is to start writing, pal. I don't think I subscribe to that philosphy straight up. I think that a good novel requires thought and careful planning, as well as a reason to be written and read.

So, here is where I run into problems: At first I say "oh goody goody a novel, I have so many ideas for fantasy characters and sci-fi settings and I will make so many paladins and/or space stations it'll be great," but then I say "why am I writing a fantasy/sci-fi novel? Why is this setting necessary?" And that is where I run into problems.

If a paragraph does not need to be there, you cut it. If a setting does not need to be there, do you not cut it as well?

Throughout my adolescence I did a lot of leisurely writing. I started bits about certain character ideas I had, the details of populated solar systems... what I wouldn't give to have all those pieces of looseleaf and edges of schoolwork in a neat pile in front of me. But you know what the problem is with leisurely writing? It is not serious. Non-serious writing is like non-serious carpentry. You can spin out pencil holders on the lathe and mini-hockey sticks on the bandsaw all you want, but at that rate you will never be satisfied and proud.

Satisfied and proud.

I want to write a novel and it's fucking Go Time.

2010-06-23T11:33:00.002-06:00

Whoooo I have so many jobs this summer! Well, I have one job. But it pays well! 40 hours of the week! It's at the Pike Lake Summer Camp with the Boys and Girls Club. Sand Castles and Swimmin', different group every week. So much better than Scrounging for Things to Do, same group all year. And they're paying me more to do it?!!?!

Plus twelve hours overtime every other week, for the sleepover with the older group.

Laaaast Place

2010-06-20T23:29:00.003-06:00

I was trying to think of similes on the way home. I don't know... it was like running the last bit of a race backwards just to see what would happen. That's not a very good simile.

I read a bad poem in the second round of the poetry semi-finals. I would probably feel better if I didn't think that I truly deserved last place in that round.

I feel like I'm on the same page as everyone else in the bar: Where did that come from? His other poem was so much better.

I had to leave because I was going to cry, and that makes me feel like an asshole. What a bad attitude. But don't people cry after singing competitions and gymnastics tournaments et cetera? They do at least on t.v. I suppose I have the excuse that this is probably the only competition I've ever really cared about.

Ah, well, regret is the silliest thing. It's just that I feel like the guy on Who Wants to be a Millionaire who gets eliminated on the first question. He walks away thinking "I knew I shouldn't have picked that." I could have read any other poem scrawled in that notebook, and there would be much less shame. Possibly still last place, but it wouldn't matter. I just wish it never happened. Which is silly.

Project Blog to Make Light of This is failing. I would say "when I wake up I'll feel better" but I plan to do math all night. I am so irresponsible. This is not a high-self-esteem time for Hadley.

I'll be O.K. though.

2010-06-20T00:10:00.002-06:00

I wonder what Julius Caesar would be like to talk to. If I was his buddy and I said "Gaius, my man, how was your day?" how would he answer? Would he be brief and concise, not spending time on such formalities? Or would he ramble on about his day? I just wonder what historical figures were like. That's what I'd like to know. I suppose I'll have to wait until time-travel is discovered.

ff fffff fff fffffff

2010-06-18T01:10:00.003-06:00

I want to shave my head and cry and go to sleep for as long as I want. But none of those things are going to happen.

There are so many things that I can't blog in my brain.

As crunch time approaches I fell catatonic. I sit in my bed like a crazy person. I could be done and have no homework. But I can't move. I don't even know what's going on or what's wrong with my brain. I just feel crazy. I wish I could just switch into a different body. Switch into a different time. Switch into a different so many things.

Just fuck fuck fuck.

I want to shave my head and cry and go to sleep for as long as I want.

But none of those things are going to happen.

I am going vegan.

2010-06-16T12:59:00.003-06:00

And this is why.

The expectation of society for you to do something wrong is not a reason to do it. It does not make it OK. Inevitably, future generations will look back and say "why did our ancestors put us in this position?" It is time to do the right thing.

It is no excuse to be young.

It is time to do the right thing.

Oh, god.

I would not make love with you, but if I did, I would hold you like I loved you oh so dearly

2010-06-12T23:22:00.005-06:00

People tend to feel unsatisfied when a high-five doesn't connect with a proper smack. Really though, I am OK with lightly touching hands with a pretty girl on my way home. It's nice to run into high school acquaintances who are glad to see me, it makes me feel like I left the impression that I am a good guy, even if a lot of people didn't see it.

High school could have been so different if so many things had been different. It's OK, I am not sad about it anymore. I am fine with how things went, and not because I've forgotten.

Today was great. I helped Mason make a dnd character, and he had a character idea and he was amply prepared. Then Berkley and I did some fun things, then we had pizza and beer while we watched South Park on DVD. We were at a point where we made lots of jokes and laughed hard at them.

Then we had an appointment for dnd with the fellas, in which our bronze age tribals proceeded into the mysterious caverns. The air was sick, and they fought a sea monster in an underground lake. The sea monster looked like a fish had melted sideways into the top of a lion, and its goopy fish eyes stuck out dumbly from its forehead. The beast's flesh was rotting. It tried to pull Moloc out of the canoe, but Levy-Brul used his shaman powers to call a swarm of bats from the ceiling down to fight the monster. Finally, Moloc swung his giant club down through the swarm onto the creature's head, knocking it unconscious.

Later, while serenely observing the masonry of a room, the likes of which they had never seen, the group ran into a posse of undead dark elves that could have ended them right then and there with magical powers. But they fought hard and killed them all in under a minute. Gohdan bear-hugged one zombie with his thick, fat arms. A very powerful dark elf lich named Erghkthrekravass tried to blind Moloc permanently, but Moloc clenched his eyes tight while Nuntallo flew into a rage and split the lich's head in half. Levy-Brul was calling lightning down everywhere while Moloc and Nuntallo ripped the room apart. After eighteen seconds, the only zombie still moving was the one squirming underneath Gohdan's immense weight. Gohdan punched it dead.

They burned the bodies and set up camp.

And that is how the epic saga of Servant Erghkthrekravass came to an end.

btw Tommy Wiseau sucks

2010-06-06T01:00:00.002-06:00

You know, it's ridiculous to use words like "always" and "never".

But I will always be an atheist and that will never change.

When I like someone with different views than me, it makes me give those views a lot more respect. (Should there be a comma there? God, I have no idea about commas). I was thinking about christianity today... it is just so foreign to my brain. It does not compute. But there are intelligent christians, right? It seems ridiculous to argue that there is not a single, rational christian out there. (Again, comma? I am horrible at this game).

But just... how?! How can someone be intelligent, rational, and christian?!?! MY BRAIN IS EXPLODING

K K K WAIT WAIT WAIT

2010-06-03T18:53:00.004-06:00

EVERYTHING IS OK

ONE: I am in the semi-finals
TWO: My university application is A-OK.

And Cat is helping me with my math!! I am going to hand all my assignments in and get an impossible mark. I will be a Math Demon.

"For thou hast said in thine heart, 'I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my math above the maths of God: I will sit also upon the mount of the congregation, in the sides of the math.' Yet thou shalt be brought down to MathA30, to the sides of the pit."
-Isaiah 14:12, 13

That was god talking to me. Isaiah even said so. Don't you believe Isaiah?

I am almost 20?

2010-06-02T20:45:00.003-06:00

I want to hug lots of people, but in general, I don't want to hug children. I am very conscious about it! Often some younger girls at work will hug me, lean on me, or want to sit on my lap, but I don't want any part of it! Things always look worse than they are, and I must be prepared for a parent to walk in at any moment.

Also, here's what goes through my head whenever anyone ever sits on my lap: "don't get a boner don't get a boner don't get a boner".

And guess what always happens when I think that? Yep. Oh man, I have a funny anecdote from basic training about that. Haha. Oh man.

There are certainly adults I want to hug, though (although stay off the lap! Oh god!). I can think of three people that I would love to hug if I saw them right now. And I thought of those three people so fast. I can think of two more right now. Three more. That's eight people that I thought of while typing. Anyway, I wouldn't hug them though. Except mabe Maggie, she's a real open hugger. Or her brother Tom. (That's 10).

Maggie and Tom are people that I have had very little contact with but would treat like family if the need arose. I often imagine living in some sort of near- or post-apocolypse world... and I always think, if deathcamps were a new thing in Canada, and I saw that Maggie and Tom needed my help, they would get it. They are two people that I love without loving.

Ugh, I am so nineteen.

Children? Math? Priorities? Aaahh!!!

2010-06-01T12:09:00.003-06:00

I guess people change a lot after age 7. For me, memories of grade 2 and earlier are blurry, but grade 3 and later are much less blurry. Or seem to be.

How much can one guess what a 7-year-old will grow up to be like? Perhaps the answer is hardly the fuck at all.

Here is how I would define my interests right now in one sentence: "I like exploratory and creative activities, writing especially." In a single sentence defining all my interests, writing gets a mention. It is that important. BUT THEN, here is the primary thought that triggered this post: In grade 2 I hated "journal writing" and struggled to complete a single notebook page, double-spaced. It was really the one thing I struggled with. On my grade 2 report card it pretty much just says that I am good except for journal-writing. I remember just not knowing what to write about. I hated trying to fill the page with what boring miscellany had been occupying my thoughts.

But then, today, here, look. Look what I am doing right now.

I just think about this a lot at work. I wish I could see a portal into the future of these childrens' lives. I hope Erin grows up to play Dungeons and Dragons without feeling childish. I hope David gets his shit together. I hope Ivka grows up to be a scientist... or something... as long as she stays brilliant.

But I can't see there future, as much as I may speculate. So much shit is going to happen between now and then.

In other news, my priority-killing habits may have prevented me from going to university next year.

Aaand my self-prescribed break is over. I am behind in math and intend to get completely caught up in the next week or so (I have a packed schedule for it).

I am extremely stressed out.

Slam

2010-05-30T23:28:00.002-06:00

If you sprint when you're sick you get cramps. I have a habit of sprinting home after a poetry slam, I don't know where it came from. I think it might be stress relief. It makes me nervous to go up and slam, and there is an amount of stress that inevitably builds up.

That was the last slam of the year, and I won't be going on to the semi-finals. Really though, I guess most people don't go on to the semi-finals. I think I had a strong first poem that people liked, but I feel that I dropped the ball in the second round. Oh well. Maybe next year. Stephen said that he thought my poems tonight were the best I've read yet, and that I was progressing as an artist. I'd say it was the most meaningful compliment I received. Very encouraging.

I like to blog about things that are bugging me, but there is a difference between sorting out one's thoughts and simply dwelling on something small. I'd better just shut down and get some sleep.

2010-05-29T19:00:00.001-06:00

I watched this video today. I recommend it.

get a fuck. get a fucking brain.

2010-05-27T20:22:00.003-06:00

I try not to interfere too much with the childrens' interactions at work. If they are having a conversation I like to give them their privacy and not hover constantly behind them, at the ready to scold them for remarks I deem inappropriate.

But the boys at my afternoon school talk about violence a lot. They just love it. It really seems to be their favourite thing. Heads exploding, bodies being ripped open from the scalp down. Gory kind of stuff.

----

Agh, fuck. How can people think that their ten year old child is ready to watch Saw? How much of a fucking brilliant, unimpressionable superchild must they believe he is?

Your child watched Saw and thought it was awesome. Way to go. Good for you.

Scrimshaw!

2010-05-25T20:49:00.006-06:00

I had an excellent moment today. I was about to hop in the bath, but then I noticed myself in the mirror. Have you ever noticed how uniquely shaped we are? And we are so hairless! I moved my leg and then my other leg and then my arms. This just happens. I decide with my brain to make my limbs move and then it happens. It is so fucking amazing. I was so thrilled to realize this. And humans can dance! Look, look at humans dance! And we can play sitar and harmonica and musical saw and cello. We can do flips and climb mountains and somersault. This makes me so happy.

Did you know that I have a weird brain? I have certain quips in my head that come up constantly. They change every six months or so, but they come up a lot. They are triggered by certain things. Every time I was late in outdoor school I would think "fuck her? I hardly even knew her!" It was in reference to nothing. It just came into my head. Working in the warehouse I thought "fuck my life" a lot. Last summer when I would think of something I regret I would think "I love you."

"I love you" has come up a lot for a variety of unrelated triggers.

There have been so many quips that I could not possibly recount them all. Here are some in chronological order from 1998 to the present.

When I was eight I would point a gunfinger at someone and make a click in my cheek. Symbolized a pistol being fired with no ammunition. Meant nothing.

"Scrimshaw!" I would say this aloud when I was fifteen when I did not know what to say. I said it a lot.

"I am a supermannah." Maybe... a couple years ago? It's from an old sleep-talking anecdote I was told when I was 8. I thought it when I was frustrated with a memory or concept. Came out like an angry sigh.

When I think of a memory where I was awkward or made a faux pas: "I wanna fuck you in the pants."

"Oh, light me on fire." I am not sure about this one but I think it is also triggered by memories of emberrassment. Maybe when I'm mad at myself.

Quips aren't the only thing that come into my head, either. Whenever I get the feeling that someone I quite like does not like me very much in return, I imagine shouting his or her name dramatically. The fantasy is that we are in an emergency situation where it would finally be appropriate to express my passionate concern for their well-being. Occasionally, since I was thirteen, when I think admiringly about an attractive girl or woman I imagine them firing an assault rifle or submachine gun. Something to do with appreciating their independence I guess.

2010-05-24T13:54:00.003-06:00

Well, what do you think? Should I rename it "Fatty Blog"? Or "Wide-O Vision"?

A little bit ouch

2010-05-23T23:42:00.005-06:00

Uh... if you asked me if I poked a hole through my own lip tonight, the answer would be "yes." It happened so easily... I was trying to climb higher in this tree, but it was wet, and I began to slip. I allowed myself to speed down to the crotch of the tree, and I turned that into a leap off, but something caught my foot on the way down.

I landed with my weight too far behind me and I gently fell on my ass, with my face smashing into my knee. My tooth and lip hurt, and I gathered that I had pinched the latter between my knee and tooth. I wondered why I tasted blood inside my mouth and also had blood spilling down my chin. A quick look in a mirror answered my query.

Does this kind of shit leave a scar? I wouldn't mind a scar.

Anyway, it's cupcake time.

UPDATE: No scar :(

Oh boy.

2010-05-23T05:32:00.003-06:00

I just had my first nightmare in a very long time. I had been wanting one, but now I don't want any more.

Muslim extremists in Saskatoon were punishing the community because of drawings of Muhammad on the internet. They were suicide bombing elementary schools. I was downtown and hiding out in a muslim school [although the real muslim school is not actually downtown]. Berkley came by in our parents' car after a while and picked me up, saying that the police didn't think that this school was safe from the terrorists. Maybe even more at-risk.

We drove towards our old house in Silverspring, but just after we entered the neighbourhood we crashed the car somehow. It was just a large dent in the engine block really, but we didn't know what might happen so we decided to just get out and walk a few blocks.

"So Hugh Cairns school is basically destroyed," said Berkley.
"What?!"
"Yeah, rescue workers are only expecting to find like, ten people in the wreckage. The entire school is just obliterated."

I began to cry (and I feel like crying as I write this). I had worked there for 13 months as a before-and-after school program leader. Berkley didn't understand why I was so upset. "All those children!" I cried.

Just then, we heard a siren not too far away, maybe on the other side of the block. We decided to keep moving. The siren stopped but we heard the megaphone of a police car... some kind of automated voice system. It was broadcasting a 911 call for some reason. I figured it had something to do with the disastrous state of the city - instead of calling 911 and having your emergency be filtered through to the police, it was just pumped through to the megaphone of all cruisers so the police could hear it. There was 911 call after 911 call being broadcasted. We couldn't hear what the callers were saying from where we were, it was too amplified and crackly.

We were barely away from the sedan when a cruiser came down the street and stopped right in front of us. Our car was half-blocking the road, and I was terrified that it might look like a trap. In Afghanistan, if you get in the way of an army convoy they just run over you. Berkley and I put our hands up.

The cruiser's megaphone wasn't broadcasting 911 calls anymore. We were close enough to see the cop's mout move, but he kept his door closed and spoke through the megaphone.

"Everything OK for you guys?"
"Yeah!" We were shouting so he could hear us through the windshield.
"Listen, we need a vehicle to cart survivors around, do you mind if we use your car? It's kind of... less of a target."
We consented quickly. "It might be damaged though, we kind of crashed it," I added.
"Thanks you guys."

Just then, we heard a sound like a jet flying through the street - the sound of air being forced to move due to the incredible speed of an object. Through the corner of my eye I saw a rocket-propelled grenade slam into the side of the cruiser and explode.

Berkley and I ran all the way home. Mom was there, as calm as ever. She and Berkley chatted.

After about half an hour of hanging out and waiting there was a bang at the door. Mom continued chatting but Berkley yelled "shut up!" We ducked beneath window-level. We heard another door sound, more of a thump this time. Like someone was doing something beside it and bumping into it.

Thump, knock, thump-thump. It continued. There was nothing to do but stare at the door and hope we weren't about to die.

Fin.

I WANT TO RELATE TO EVERYBODY

2010-05-18T12:51:00.006-06:00

I've been having trouble understanding bad people recently. I mean, I've never understood bad people, and recently I've been thinking about it a lot and stressing about it. A question that floods my mind is "how can they think that's OK?"

Like one year ago, when I was living in Dumpington Estate (a room in a house, shared kitchen, clueless landlord). A new tenant in the large suite upstairs moved in, and was loud and overbearing. First, a small infraction: I overheard him inviting some friends over on a weeknight once, and I thought it was kind of presumptuous of him to do that. It was around 9pm when he made the call, and I had to get up at 6am the next morning, so I asked him to keep it down. He said "sure no problem man." An hour later, while I was sleeping, he invited his friend to play guitar in the living room right by my door, insisting that "no one is home, no one is home." I don't think he expected me to do anything about it, but of course I did.

A week later, I went on a short vacation with some friends at Nicole's cabin. When I returned, my two-servings-worth of frozen riblets had been reduced to 2 riblets (not even a snack) and my near-full squeeze-bottle of honey had vanished. The honey cost about 6 or 8 dollars, and four-servings-worth of those easy-prep ribs (my favourite meal at the time) cost $14. So about $13 worth of food missing.

I walked upstairs and saw that his light was on, so I gave a knock. He answered it wearing his tight camo-print shirt that he always wore. With a half blank, half-glare of a look I asked him if he knew anything about it. "Ribs and honey?" he repeated. He appeared to think hard for several seconds before saying: "No, man, I don't think I know anything about that." Our other roommate's light was off, so I left a note on the table reading:

I am missing the following items: half a bag of ribs and one bottle of honey. If either of you know anything about this please let me know. -Hadley

It didn't have to be a big deal. Roommate Number Two could see me the next day and say "I am so sorry, it was so stupid of me, I'll pay you back doubley." But instead, I came home one day to hear my two roommates talking in the kitchen. When Camo-Print left, my other roommate told me a story: "So I came into the kitchen and Joel crumpled up that piece of paper on the table, saying 'I guess some people have a stick up their ass about that kind of thing, I mean you have a few friends over, borrow some food, it's no big deal.'"

Does the phrase enter your head as naturally as it does mine? How can you think that's OK? How could Camo-Print think that he is the virtuous paladin in this situation? He took my food and I got mad, then he lied about it. If stealing the food isn't black and white, lying about it is.

And I really want to know. I really want to know how they can think it's OK. I'm not angry, I am just dying for an answer to that question.

Very few people think that they are themselves injust or unfair; am I right about that? But then, don't these people watch movies? Most North Americans watch movies, right? What do they think when someone on screen acts just like them? Say a character steals food and then lies about it. It would be used to make that character look bad, right? It would not be a positive thing, because it's obviously wrong. So do they scoff at that? Or do they just not watch movies?

I suppose most people cannot relate to bad people, but they just leave it at that. I however, hate not getting an answer to a question. In this age of the internet, I have been spoiled by Wikipedia and Wikianswers and Wikihow. Even Yahoo Answers can at least give something to most questions, and I have been brought to a point where I expect simple questions to be answered. I've really grown quite neurotic about it. If I ask someone a technical question that they know the answer to, but they joke it off or something, I get a little pissed.

Hadley: "Why are your earbuds one hundred dollars? What... what makes them so valuable?"
Ted: "Haha! For someone who has music as such a large part of their life, I'm shocked!"
Hadley: "I'm not an expert about music, or sound--"
Ted: "You don't deserve an answer, you should really--"
Hadley: "Just tell me."

And guess what? I hated Ted.

Mix CDs and DnD

2010-05-15T11:38:00.003-06:00

I have five formula mix cds right now, and there are more waiting to be copied. This is really awesome. I'm so glad to know all these intelligent people. I am so glad about that. The CDs have 21 songs on them, so they are a good length for listening to between work and school throughout the whole day. I jogged to work and back yesterday, and didn't really feel tired at all, just listening to Alison's CD (in iPod playlist form) and not stopping. It was about four kilometres (eight there and back), which is probably the most I've ever jogged outside of a military base. I know it's not that far, but it's kind of a breakthrough. At least it ought to be. It was faster than taking the bus, so I really ought to do it every day.

In other news, I am making a DnD(?) dungeon! I have been the "dungeon master" before, but never ever have I made a dungeon! "Dungeons?" I said. "Why follow such straightforward, encounter-based conventions?" What a fool I was! Straightforwardness allows a story to be told in a deliberate but still variable manner, with a tighter grip on the reigns for the DM. I have a set series of boogies to fight and chasms to leap over (not actually), but the players may handle them in oh so many ways. Will they negotiate with the boogies or lop their heads off? Will they steal the Eternal Crown of Power Killing or return it to the sacred treasure trove? Also, a player character may die! What an interesting turn of events that would be.

It is proving really fun to make. Figuring out traps and puzzles and fights is challenging but super cool.

2010-05-07T12:12:00.000-06:00

who, me? yes, me. couldn't be. it's me.

Kissy Ricey Mathy

2010-05-06T22:46:00.002-06:00

That is what I will name my firstborn.

The universe does not want me to study math tonight. I was totally putting it out there too, I was waving sage wands and everything, but I guess the universe just isn't going to make it happen. First off, there was the first meeting for Saskatoon Copwatch from after work until 9pm. I met a new person and it was neat. We just had the same direction to walk is all. She was embarrassed to ask for an escort down 20th street, but I don't think she should be embarrased. She's been jumped before on that route, and that is not something to take lightly! I'm jealous that she works in a library.

THEN I ran into Bailey when I was grabbing some coffee! What a good time that was. She's a really easy person to talk to and she was excited to see me, which is something that I love. We totally talked for like, an hour. I was awkward to start but it really went well! I like to talk to cool people.

--------------------

I'd like to kiss someone sometime. I haven't kissed for two years, and I have never had a particularly good kiss. I enjoyed kissing Ashley but all in all the kissing was a bad thing. The kind of kiss I would like right now would be like, you just had a really good time together and you've not kissed before, but then it would just come naturally as you say goodbye. It could be a longy or a shorty, it doesn't matter.

My rice is ready. Rice then math. No, rice and math at the same time. Promise. I'm not going to bed tonight.

Copwatch seems pretty legit, I am happy and excited to be involved.

movies, why are you dumb?

2010-05-05T21:05:00.006-06:00

Jeeze, I don't know about you, but if I was sent flying from a vehicle I don't think I would flail my arms comically. Or if I was falling from something. Why does this always happen in movies? I don't think it's supposed to be funny, since it is not easily noticed. If you were unexpectedly sent soaring through the air, don't you think you would tense up? Even if you were doing flips, I think you would tense up -- especially then. If you were soaring straight I think you would be more likely to react to what his happening to you, e.g., putting your arms out to protect your head from concrete/asphalt/lava.

-----------

I wish I could have more dreams like I had last night... I don't remember it, but it was happy enough. A kid vomited and I comforted him, but then I vomited at the sight of his vomit. It came up easily... we laughed about it. There was an important place, too, but I can hardly remember it. It was a nice place... some kind of swimming pool? But much more interesting and varied, and people lived there, friends lived there. It changed later in the dream, though... changed from concrete and water to flesh and blood, but it was still nice. A nice place to be.

I spy with my eye something i.e. confusing me pro tem.

2010-04-30T12:27:00.005-06:00

When you consider binge drinking or getting high an important part of who you are, you should re-examine your life. I don't understand all these my-aged people who "love to get drunk and party amap lol." Is there some hidden thrill to intoxication that I'm missing?

On occasion, alcoholic intoxication can be an interesting sensation and alter a social experience in a positive way. However, it is the booze that compliments the social interaction, not the other way around. When one drinks so much that they are removed from the situation, what is to be gained? There are people who do this all the time, and I do not understand. I suppose there might be a lot of college-aged alcoholics? That would explain it somewhat, but why would all of these people drink so frequently that they become addicted in the first place? There is something I don't understand about the situation.

Paragraph 2, sentence 2: temptation to rhyme "booze" with "schmooze" resisted.

--------

Unrelatedly, I have just learned that my use of "i.e." vs. "e.g." has been confused for the past several months. Just so we all now know, it is "i.e." that means "that is" and "e.g." that means "for example." Ah, god. This day could not get any worse.

wah, I'm sad that I'm mad

2010-04-27T23:24:00.004-06:00

There are certain people I want to hug, but I don't think it's going to happen. I'm deathly afraid of hugging new people. This would all probably be much easier were I a woman.

So, I don't know if I have anger problems or just stress problems. I've always envisioned anger problems as someone acting inappriately because they are angry, or doing things that they don't actually want to do because of anger. I tend not to get angry in the heat of the moment, but hours later my mind wanders and I think "god, how could a child be such a wretched brat?" or "why was my grade 11 math teacher so mean to me?" I do feel angry when I think about it, so does that make it an anger problem? But when Joey Fakename at work is throwing a tantrum like someone half his age might, I don't feel angry, just serious and strict like I ought to. It's not until I think about it later, which is a lot safer than getting angry while it's happening. Probably better not to get angry at all though.

I don't know. I don't think it's too big of a deal. I am just stressed out about Math, which in turn makes me stress about other things. And Joey Fakename was quite terrible today. Appalling behaviour for someone his age.

Agh. Maybe he'll grow into a really great guy. I don't believe it but I can type it.

2010-04-26T00:03:00.002-06:00

Oh are you fucking kidding me. Some women just always get boyfriends.

The thought of being single forever is neither horrifying nor unrealistic to me, but sometimes I like certain people.

SATRURDAY! Party, party, party, it's the WEEKEND!

2010-04-24T16:55:00.004-06:00

AW MAN

Croquet is fun. I'm going to buy a set. I just won a game at Emily's house at her birthday party. I had to leave right after I won though, for I am on call for the sexual assault crisis line tonight. I am sad about that! It was going to turn into a big party soon! I wish there was a way out of being on call, but it is a serious commitment.

Happy Birthday Emily!
(it was actually on Tuesday)

Also, here are some words I do not know how to spell:

amateur
sentence
dependent
definitely

At least I don't spell it "defiantly." God.

Goose in house disease

2010-04-24T11:37:00.003-06:00

Here's an excellent post on an excellent blog. It is about a goose breaking into her house and she has video to prove it. It's interesting how horrified we are of most wild animals, even mice. A healthy human can take a goose, I'm pretty sure. But I suppose you couldn't seriously hurt it in good conscience until it threatened you severely. Even then you would have to be careful not to get blood on your carpet. Humanity is so weird these days.

I remember last year I was curious about what it would be like to fight a dog. I know, I'm a horrible person. But it would just be an interesting challenge. It would be fast and aggressive and bitey, and I would have to overcome my fear of that and realize that I can be fast and aggressive too.

Sincerely,
Hadley
Who has never hurt a dog
I promise

I want to hug you from the side and press my

2010-04-21T23:05:00.006-06:00

face into your shoulder and if I was very lucky I would cry a little.

Whenever I leave an event early I feel super regretful about what I might miss. But jeeze, I have to get up at 6am like usual tomorrow and I still have to do my math homework before bed.

VASU had a booze night at the Colonial! It was a good time, I enjoyed being around the people that I like. However, I ate way too much Indian food just before and was not up much for the talking game. I mean I was up for it, but I was distracted by my tummy. I managed to dance though, that was good. There were a lot of people I know dancing and it was great.

I'm bad at talking but I like touching. I give high-fives a lot because I want to feel our hands connect with a slap for that one instant. I give pound-its a lot too. It's just part of how I communicate. Tonight I wanted to just hug hug hug, but you can't go around hugging everyone all the time. Even if you offer and they accept, you can't just offer all the time. People don't always want to be hugged, or they might think it's a sexual thing.... So even though I'm a huggy guy I rarely offer hugs. I just wanted to hug everybody tonight because I couldn't talk to them very well. I also wanted to push my face/forehead into their shoulders or put arm around them casually.

Something else I'd like to do is cry sometimes. Can't though. Literally (although not physically). I don't know if I trained myself not to as a child or if my brain just doesn't want to cry. I cried a lot (for me) in '06 but then it went away. I think I might need to be sleep-deprived. Maybe I should miss a night of sleep sometime just so I can water-work-it. I wonder how often cavemen cried. Only when someone they loved died? Or would they cry over things like relationship problems and botched hunting expeditions as well? I wonder if there was anything resembling a "boy's don't cry" attitude in prehistory.

Speaking of emotional pain, I started my math class again and guess who's in it. Ashley. Man, that's a name you can search in my new search bar (UPDATE: apparently that search bar is actually stupid). Agh god. I am over her, but that doesn't mean I want to see her ever ever. She came in late and when I saw her I could not keep my heart-rate down. I recognized all the subtleties in her movements that I had forgotten about. The quiet force in her routine actions. It was very hard to focus, I kept thinking "please don't try to catch up on things with me" or "oh god if she asks why we haven't hung out in so long I am going to get up and leave." She didn't say those things though, so good. I should just sit far away from her next time and just chill. She seems to understand that we are not old friends but former friends.

The Facebook Game

2010-04-20T19:42:00.003-06:00

I just figured out a fun game! It's real simple: you take any random facebook status and put "hey baby," in front of it. I'm not sure why it's funny, but it always works!

Here's some of mine for example:
"hey baby, i'm out of beer"
"hey baby, all of my clothes are dirty so i'm wearing dishcloth underwear"
"hey baby, i just dropped a piece of pepperoni on my nipple"

Pants

2010-04-20T14:11:00.003-06:00

I want to get better at comforting crying people. With kids crying it is different because they often cry about bullshit, and I don't want to enforce it with attention. I mean, if a six-year-old spills yoghurt on their pants and starts bawling I'm not going to say "eat shit crybaby" but I'm not going to hold them to my chest and rock back and forth for two minutes either. I just handed her paper towel and spoke in a gentle voice about how it's not a big deal.

If a kid gets hurt I kneel down and ask if they're OK, give pats, talk about their wound, then distract them if I can. If they won't have it I walk away and let them carry on. Am I a dick? What else am I supposed to do though?

One kindergartener very occasionally bawls loudly when he doesn't get his way. I encourage him to get over it, try to distract him (so far it has not worked), then leave him. He bawls and bawls and it echoes through the room, but what he want, a cookie? I can't reward his bad attitude with comfort just because he's crying.

Children crying is different that adults crying of course, and what I really want to get better at is comforting adults. Or at least know what to do. I guess I kinda know what to do, I just feel really awkward about it.

Jeeze, I'd better get some pants on and get to work.

UPDATE: I am researching crying and learning a lot of neat trivia! According to one American study, most newborns cry at C or C#, only learning other notes as they grow older.

2010-04-19T11:44:00.004-06:00

check it out guys you can search my blog now. hopefully that will make up for the 150+ untagged posts.

no no no
it's at the bottom
scroll down to the bottom

OK, it's like this:

2010-04-18T16:02:00.003-06:00

Here is a super sweet mix CD formula! It is really cool. I think Alison and Leah made it. So click that link and read it over real quick. Everybody who's anybody has been making a mix CD according to that formula, and swapping them with each other! So go ahead! Let's do it! If I see you around and you are so in, I can probably just give you a copy so don't read my tracklist below (it is a spoiler!!). But if you live far away or for whatever reason are so not in, you can just read it here:

"What I Learned in High School"
1. Bar on A by Greg Holden (feat. Julia Nunes)
2. Mescal Rite 1 by Tomahawk
3. The Official Recruiting Song by Duenow
4. Boris the Spider by The Who
5. When Your Mind's Made Up by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
6. JFK by Brad Neely
7. Wicked and Weird by Buck 65
8. Lyla by CocoRosie
9. Magician's Assistant by Dan Le Sac vs. Scroobius Pip
10. Going Fetal by Eels
11. About Fun by Psapp
12. Gotta Have You by The Weepies
13. Troy by Sinead O'Conner
14. Oncoming Traffic by Lauren O'Connel
15. Mend (To Fix, Repair) by Elsiane
16. Ant in Alaska by Liz Phair
17. August by Julia Nunes
18. God Decides by Hawksley Workman
19. The River by Anathallo
20. Somedays by Regina Spektor
21. Greener by Tally Hall

2010-04-18T00:59:00.000-06:00

sinead o'conner,
make me sad tonight

Small Time Goodness

2010-04-17T12:36:00.004-06:00

My muscles hurt too much to get out of bed. I climbed a tree last night, it was hard. I think my intoxication may have prevented me from realizing how hard it really was, and now here I am with a sore body. Last night was a good night. It was not full of neat ideas and playground games, but it was nice because it proved good times could be had without a big event.

Anyway, I was digging through my stack of 1950's sci-fi novels, and found an awesome one near the bottom of the stack entitled Laser Planet One. It has some sweet ideas that I think I will try to use some time. I've put an excerpt from it up in the "vault" to save room on here. In real life it's only like a page, so you can manage it.

Frange said there was one line that made him go "eeuuggh," but I forgot to ask him what it was. Can you find it?

Thoughts about hyper kids

2010-04-15T13:43:00.005-06:00

Working with so many kids has made me realize what a good kid I was. I think if I met my child self I would be impressed. High school self not so much.

I remember, some time before I was in school, asking my mom what half of 5 was. I'm pretty proud of that memory.

It's hard to appreciate and connect with ADHD kids because I cannot relate to them at all. I think everyone gets hyper sometimes, and I can remember being called hyper occasionally by my brother, but I have never ran around and around a room and jumped on shit. Well actually, there was this one time. But a lot of children seem compelled to do this daily, and it bothers other kids, and is pretty damn annoying to most adults.

So ADHD gets kids in trouble a lot, makes school more challenging, and bothers people. It is a really sucky thing to have developmentally. I think a lot of hyper kids learn fast not to care what other people think, which is good for self-esteem, but in areas like sympathy and guilt and restraint it is really shitty!

So, that is another reason for me not to have kids. What if they have ADHD? What if at age 8 they tackle kindergarteners and swear at teachers, all because of a genetic disposition towards hyperactivity and its affect on their development? That would be terrible. That would ruin my life.

A certain hyper kid is on probation for suspension at my afternoon school. I don't understand how suspension would help the problem (though I'm sure there are reasons), but part of me wants him to get suspended just to give me a break. There are troublemakers and there are ridiculous troublemakers, and ridiculous troublemakers make it way harder to properly discipline the normal ones - at least for me. I'm not a teacher, I have never been to university for this or even community college. I wish I had some kind of training, instead of just instinct and experience. But I am doing the best I can.

PS: Oh, and don't send your kids to catholic school. Not only are they stupid and catholic, they have less funding. A leaky roof in a school! What is this, 1910?

This is me pretending to be a writer

2010-04-15T09:37:00.003-06:00

Something I've never done: punched myself in the crotch.
Something I have done (as of yesterday): managed to give myself a serious uppercut without the use of my hands.

I've been taking the bus since about mid January I guess, after our big snowfall. So to approximate greatly, I would say I've entered a bus and sat down over two hundred times these past few months, not including transfers. Entering a bus and sitting down is pretty easy business, so one would think that after that much practice I would be an expert.

Well. Some of the buses in Saskatoon have seats like this: waist-high, with metal handles on the top for people who are standing or walking while the bus is moving. The handles are quite handy, and have saved me from many an embarrasing spill. Now for some reason, these handles cover the entire seat.

You might see where this is going. Yesterday, as I went to sit down on the 70 Silverspring, I managed to connect my chin with the metal handle on the seat in front of me, and I swear, my whole weight went into it. It was harder than a punch, and it was aluminum. Luckily, my tongue prevented my teeth from smashing into eachother. Unluckily, my tongue is a sensitive piece of flesh that isn't really supposed to be bitten. I see now why boxers wear mouthguards. Total necessity.

No other riders seemed to notice, and I was grateful that the handle decided not to announce the collision with a hearty "biiing" or "bong." My eyes teared up but I held it together like a real trooper.

I noticed today that I've been having trouble speaking clearly, and I just realized that the uppercut is why. My tongue still hurts but I think it is getting better.

So that was me trying to "sell" the story. How'd I do? Too contrived? Oh man, it was too contrived, wasn't it.

They call me Speed Pants Ducky

2010-04-13T11:38:00.003-06:00

I think I've learned to sprint just in the past two years maybe. I was running beside Andrew once when we were in a hurry, and I noticed that he took much longer strides than me. It made sense - he passed over more ground that way. Since then I have worked on it here and there, and I'm much better at it than I was two years ago.

I'm glad that I'm not afraid to sprint to catch a bus, or yell "Hey bus! Hey!" at the top of my lungs. It's moments like that that make me feel good about myself.

And oh man I seriously barely made it. It was so close. I had to sprint at top speed, and I think the average person would not have made it (maybe). His signal was on and he was looking in his mirror to pull away when I banged on his door.

------

I'm mapping out a novel right now. I've never mapped out a novel beforehand before, and I've never finished writing a novel. So maybe this will help. I like my characters so far. They have problems.

CAMMY CAMMY COO

2010-04-10T18:11:00.003-06:00

Today I blew salespersons' minds with my camcorder jargon. This is good for my ego, but bad for learning about certain models of camcorder at the store. Don's Photo has limited selection in my price range of camcorders, so I ended up at London Drugs and Future Shop, where the products are plenty and the knowledge is scarce. Yes, it says 1080p, but is it interlaced? Which of these camcorders has manual controls for aperture, shutter speed, and white balance? What is intellegent zoom, you deceptive bastard? Dan from electronics was pretty good, but he was busy so I was stuck with Loser Jason from electronics. Loser Jason was terrible, he was just in my way. At other stores they would just look at the camera to try and find it, which I could probably do faster. At least they were trying, unlike Loser Jason.

I think the main consumer-demographic for camcorders between $400 and $1100 is people who want to point and shoot. What they want from the salesperson is to tell them why an $1100 camcorder is better to point and shoot with than a $400 camcorder.

True Story:
OLD MAN: I'd like to see your Sony digital camcorders.
DAN: OK, well over here we have HD camcorders, these three are Sony, and this over here is Sony.
OLD MAN: (indicating the most expensive model) So this one is a lot bigger. (pause) So, the main difference really is size?
DAN: Um, well, there are a lot of different factors...

I thought it was kind of funny. I think he just wanted to video tape his son's wedding or something, and had done no research beforehand. I think he expected camcorders to be around $800+ like they used to be, and just doesn't want to cheap out. But Old Man, $400 is not cheaping out if you're just going to tape your granddaughter's birthday once a year. Get yourself on the internet and learn a thing.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure I am going to buy this tonight. London Drugs is selling it for $570, but I have to buy the memory card seperately for another $120. So really it is about $700. I was ready to buy it until I found that tricky shit out, but now I am sure I like it best. Optical zoom 25x! And it passes my various standards, such as 1080i resolution, tolerable battery life, and most of all: manual settings! Holy New Year! (when I was a kid I thought "hallelujah" was actually "holy new year," and that it was to be said upon the coming of the new year.)

Courier New is so bulky. Yuck.

2010-04-10T03:06:00.006-06:00

OK, here's a transcription for you:

Hadley is walking home late at night. It is very windy. He opens a Jones Soda and reads the "fortune" inside the cap.

JONES SODA CAP: Climb a tree.

Hadley begins sizing up trees along his path. He spots a few good ones alongside the fence enclosing Nutana Collegiate's soccer field. He makes his way around the fence and, with much effort, climbs a tree, reaching about 15 feet above the ground. His position is quite steady. A ragged man is walking by, and approaches Hadley.

RAGGED MAN: I have to ask ya....
HADLEY: (Laughing) Yeah?
RAGGED MAN: I have to ask ya...
HADLEY: What is it?
RAGGED MAN: What the hell are you doing up in a tree in the middle of the night?
HADLEY: A fortune cookie told me to climb a tree, so here I am!
RAGGED MAN: Uh-huh. Look man, if you're doped out of your mind, you shouldn't be climbing trees.
HADLEY: I'm not doped up, actually. Thanks for your concern, though.
RAGGED MAN: Uh-huh. I did a lot of stupid things when I was your age. I'm lucky to be alive today. Let me tell ya man, in this wind, way up in that tree, a gust of wind could blow you right into this fence, and that would be the end of ya.
HADLEY: (Climbing down) Yep, well I don't think I'll make it much higher than that tonight.
RAGGED MAN: (Turning to walk away) All right, man, have a good trip, with whatever the hell you're on.
HADLEY: Thanks, have a good night.

Do most people get approached by vagrants once in a while? I sure do. I just make my way around strangers by being as friendly as I can. Anyway, is that an interesting story? I don't think so. Would someone else think so? Is it a story that a loud person would "sell" and make funny and exciting? "Then this fucking guy walks up to me, and I'm thinkin...." I don't think I could sell it very well, since I don't believe it is very interesting. Maybe that's why I never have stories; because I don't care about a lot of things that happen to me. A vagrant is a vagrant. They happen.

Anyway,
HADLEY GONNA BUY A VIDEO CAMERA

It's the art

2010-04-07T00:21:00.002-06:00

Imagine if I was sad about the decline of my civilization

If I was a Roman aristocrat who watched the fall of the republic
And the rise of the Empire

If I was a disciple of Jesus, and I believed in him, and watched him die
Wouldn't that be something to be sad about

Today,
Today I am sad about the Star Wars prequels being terrible and Firefly only getting one season. When I realized this, I thought "how ridiculous, what a petty thing to be sad about." But really, it is OK to care about art, I think. It's not like I am that sad. Would you rather someone I know die or my country get blown up so that I could be really really sad? Well that's just cruel.

Anyway, Joss Whedon good George Lucas bad.

Oh my fuck

2010-04-04T00:33:00.003-06:00

OK, so we watched Labyrinth at the Roxy, then we went to this sweet creative playground nearby, then we drove/ran to kingsmen park to play on the playground there, then we played blind tag, then we played a new kind of blind tag in the maze there, then we drove/ran to Berkley and Chris' house and spent an hour cooking food and making drinks, then we ate and drank them, then we played Bang!, then Matt and his friends were around, then we watched some Look Around You videos, then we all tried to do the inuit bag game with Matt and his friends, then here I am at home.

I had no idea Labyrinth was so awesome.

I am so glad that I know awesome people that enjoy doing awesome things.

Ouch my body

2010-03-30T13:44:00.002-06:00

"We cannot sacrifice people's bodies and lives just to stimulate the economy. This not the kind of country we want."
-Sweet Chinese lawyer on T.V.

Just FYI, any future employers, if I call in sick you can totally guilt me into coming in anyway. I was such a waffle on the phone with my boss today. Tomorrow will be my third day off work this week, and I feel bad, but I shouldn't. They're not going to fire me, and I honestly cannot promise that I will be able to function at a professional level tomorrow.

I've been sick for a long time. I've had a cough and a minor cold for about a month, and on Friday I became the Achey Fever Man. I am still him. Well, technically Achey Bronchitis Man would be more accurate, since I don't actually have a fever. I have been very unproductive (well I'm restin'!!), but I should be writing more. Maybe a lot. I've been reading though.

cough cough cough

2010-03-28T12:20:00.004-06:00

OK, no, you know what? I'm not missing Spring right now - by the time I am healed of this fever/cold/cough and step outside, it will be Spring with no more surprise cold-snaps or snowfalls, and it'll be great. This way I am missing out on the uncertain part of the Spring. Well, maybe. I guess it snows in April, too. Maybe I will be sick for a month; it feels possible.

In other news, being sick sucks. I had to cut short my Friday night and pass out in bed at 8.30, thus missing out on the super art shows and partytimes that my companions continued to experience. Good for them though, I'm just saying that I am jealous. And then there was the VASU beer night last night that I had to miss, but that is nothing compared to this coup de gras: The monthly poetry slam is tonight and I am too sick to go. I had two poems that I was super excited to read, you don't even know. I wrote them both a long time ago and people like them.

I'm almost finished Pillars of the Earth, though. I'm at the point where it's like "there's hardly any pages left, how will this be resolved?" I like some aspects of being sick, like reading and staying in all day and not feeling bad about it. Not really worth it, though. Not a trade I would make on purpose.

I feel like I should end this post on a positive note, but whatever. Things are fine.

2010-03-27T16:26:00.001-06:00

I wonder if anyone has ever starved to death surfing the internet.

And it was just a dream

2010-03-27T09:29:00.003-06:00

There was some kind of pandemic. It damaged people's brains and made them distant and unpredictable, sometimes dangerous. We didn't know what it was because the doctors and newscasters had it too. The infected would form groups and copy eachother's behaviour. Eventually the whole group would be stuck in a loop of a certain behaviour, such as shouting a phrase or walking in a circle. Anyone that did not follow the pattern (such as a non-infected) risked being attacked.

My wolfpack travelled in a convoy. We had two RV's and a pickup truck with a large camping trailer. I drove the pickup at the front, and I pulled over in front of a large building that stood alone on the side of the highway. It looked like a private school or something. We went inside to search for survivors.

The gymnasium was full of infected. There was a home-style bathroom down the hallway though, and a colleague and I discovered two survivors making love in the bathtub. It wasn't embarrassing; things like that didn't seem to matter anymore. They led us to another member of their wolfpack, a woman I found stunning who had dark eye make-up and short hair. Their friend Jonathon was trapped in the library, they said. They were too afraid to go through the gym to save him.

My wolfpack was not afraid of a dozen infected. We watched them through the window on the gym door. They all had those ball-and-scoops that school gyms have, and they were tossing the balls up and catching them. There were some scoops and balls scattered in front of the door, something that must have happened before the group synchronized. My wolfpack, avec the dark eye make-up lady, all picked up a ball-and-scoop and went in, tossing our balls up like the infected.

They only sort-of bought it. They were instantly suspicious, wandering toward us and watching. Then I dropped my ball. A teenage infected dropped his scoop and went to bear-hug me, but I kicked him in the stomach and he stumbled backwards. I sprinted to the library door across the gym, went in, and pulled the door shut as fast as it would close (it was one of those doors that closes slowly on its own). Infected can't open doors, so I was safe. The library was quite classy, with red carpeting and wooden bookcases. "Hello?" I called out. "Jonathon?" A sleepy voice answered with a "yeah." I found Jonathon in between the bookshelves wrapped up in a heavy blanket. It was past midnight, after all.

After a short exchange I urged him to get off his sleepy ass and follow me through the gym. The gym supplies were in the library (which doesn't really make sense) so we each grabbed a hockey stick to fight off the infected. To hell with the ball-and-scoop plan, I never was good at that shit. The infecteds' pattern was broken anyway. There was an infected right by the door, so I opened it and stabbed him in the chest with the butt-end of my plastic hockey stick. We sprinted across the gym without much trouble, but just before I reached the door I saw a chance to hit an infected. He was sitting down, smiling. I redirected the momentum of my run into a powerful spinning slash towards his head. I missed. I didn't reach far enough.

That was annoying, not to mention embarrassing! So I slashed again, this time connecting with his head. He just smiled. How dissatisfying! I wanted my hit to be effective, for him to fall over or something. I hit him twice more, but he stayed up, smiling like a stoner. Jonathon caught up to me at this point so I gave up and led him through the door to the foyer.

We slept in a pile in a classroom, and I kissed the woman with the dark eye make-up. She was a bad kisser (didn't open her mouth wide enough) but it didn't matter. It was thrilling for both of us to have this kind of contact.

The school dwellers joined us in our convoy and we drove off the next day.